One of my Redmond moles
got very pissed off at me for my recent screed about Ballmer being a traitor. He’ splained dit all to me, like ah dis: There’s a reason Fat Steve is saying, “What’s the bigguh deal-uh?” See it’s all about de Bing. Eveywhere, everythin’ it’s about de Bing. Fat Steve real-ah excited about de Bing. He gotta’ dah Ya-Hooey inna hizza back-ah de pocket now-ah. So he’zah thinkin’ inna matta’ time we’ll ovah-take-ah de Google, the whole-ah freakin’ planet will be ah own-ah personal bank-ah account agin. Sounds kinda’ nice. Especially de Chinese money expectin’ to come in. Lotta accounts. Not worried about de Baidu thing, de Bing will kissa’ the ass of de Chinese gov’ment real-ah nice, Microsoft geddah lotsa yang or ying or waddevah dey call de money dere, Baidu will-ah be-ah bye-bye. But now dis tin widduh the Google. Itsa’ not-uh good. You see, dey founders, de Sergey an’ de Page, dey geddah bad conscious now, dey ‘member their like–ah mission statement, “do-ah no-ah evil-ah”. Whut bullsheet, aye-yah tellya’, ennyway, so they gedda’ all de engineers ah worked up, anna get duh upper middle mangers uh worked up ann asoon-ah Eric-ah izza gettin’ calls from Hillary anna Baba-Obama or whaddevah you call’im, anna soon, de Ya-Hooey gets-ah a sedda testicoli alluhva sudden, anna soon, evahbuddy wanna’ pullah oudda China. An we-uh tryin’ to change-ah our like-ah image, anna’ if we stay anna do bidness widdah China, we uh lookah nogoodniks, mebbe people donna’ Bing enny more, no more-ah Bing, ennah Fat Steve wanna like-ah evahbuddy to Bing but he canna’ look-ah like-ah evil-ah or sumptin’, I dunno, enny way, Fat Steve izza uh-fraid, he gonna’ be forced to not do-ah bizness wid China enny more cuz Google ‘members not be evil at dis point. If yuh asks me, anna I know ya’ dinnit, but aye’ll tells ya’ ennyway, it smells like very ah-very bad-duh fish, you know, like-uh seddup, some kind. I dunno, my hairz onna mah wrist, they no like it. But don’t you call-ah Fat Steve a traitor enny more, iz not like that at all. Iz just bizness, you know? I gotta’ go. See ya.”
So there you have it, proud patriot Steve Ballmer is scared shit that all this China vs Google thing will set off a technological trade embargo against The Middle Kingdom. Don’t worry, Steve, you’ll always have Africa and India, won’t you?