Someone stop me before I pick up the phone and start screaming at Randall Stephenson

Or better yet, don’t stop me. Because the dopes at Consumer Reports just tore AT&T a new one, and now John Pazcszchzhkowski at AllThingsD is having a field day with it. These buffoons came in dead last among wireless carriers in a poll about customer satisfaction. And it’s not just spoiled tech weenies in New York and San Francisco who are bitching. It’s, like, basically everybody. To be sure, Consumer Reports are generally a bunch of idiots who have no idea how to rate products — ever seen their car ratings? But still, this hurts. Here’s the zinger from CR:

Apple’s iPhones are the top smart phones in our Ratings–actually, among the best of all phones we tested, period–but their exclusive carrier, AT&T, was middling at best in satisfaction….If you’re readying to buy Apple’s phone, prepare for possible disappointment with its service and expect to love the phone anyway.

FWIW, Verizon finished first. Yes, I know. We need to get on Verizon. And we would, except AT&T pays us so much money not to it takes forever to get these negotiations done.

Anyway, look at that dope doing his little girlie punch. God damn I want to punch him in the fucking face so bad! AT&T, what is wrong with you? All you have to do is run a wireless network. It’s not rocket science. You put up towers. You connect phone calls. That’s it. And yet — and yet — oh, never mind.