I ran into Larry last night at the airport. He was rushing to Florida to help Tiger Woods get through this bimbogate eruption. Apparently Larry met Tiger at some party that Ron Burkle threw for Bill Clinton. Tiger helped him out with his golf swing. So Larry wants to return the favor. He says Bill and Ron are going to fly in, too. Eric Schmidt will be connecting in via teleconference. They’re calling it a master class in how to be a rich famous celebrity guy and still chase tail.
“Tiger’s not a bad guy,” Larry says. “He’s just making some rookie mistakes. Easy stuff to fix.”
First things first — make things right with the wife. If you were foolish enough to marry someone who didn’t understand that you are a rich celebrity and therefore planning to cheat constantly, um, whoops. Okay. Start over. Have the talk. Remember, this is not personal. This is business. It’s a negotiation. Point A: You’re going to cheat. Point B: You will do this discreetly, so as not to embarrass her. Point C: How much fucking money does she want to stick around and keep her yap shut?
Apologize — but only for the fact that this mess has become public. Tell your wife you respect her. Be clear about the meaning of “respect.” You’re not saying you love her. The fact is, you don’t even like her that much — and much less so since she hit you in the mouth with one of your own Nike Sasquatch drivers. You also do not want to fuck her. But, be honest — you need her. Because in order to maintain sponsorship income you need a wholesome-looking woman (eg someone who does not work as a VIP hostess in a nightclub) to appear beside you occasionally at events, usually holding your children. Return now to Point C above: How much fucking money does she want for this relatively easy part-time modeling job?
If negotiations get sticky, point out that there are many other qualified applicants for this job.
Moving forward: Be more careful about your choice of partners, would you? I mean, a cocktail waitress named Jaimee? Really? You’re Tiger Woods, for God’s sake. You don’t need to bang cocktail waitresses. Little hint on how to separate the wheat from the chaff: If her name is spelled “Jaimee,” you must walk away. If she’s been on a reality TV show? Yeah. Think with the big brain, kid.
You need women who can keep their mouths shut. Usually this is in exchange for money. Yes, that’s right. You pay them. But these are not escorts, or prostitutes, at least not in the traditional sense — they’re not like the one Eliot Spitzer hired. See, there’s a different league, one that I think your friend Rachel the “nightclub hostess” may have introduced you to, since she appears to live on the edges of it. The genius of what these girls do is that they find a way to get paid for something other than what they’re actually selling.
See, think about it — if you pay for a woman to fly to wherever you are, and you pay all her expenses when she’s there, and maybe you pay her for the billable hours that she gave up in New York to come be with you, does that make her a prostitute? No, it makes her an entrepreneur. See? There’s a difference.
These are women who specialize in taking care of extremely rich dudes. Investment bankers, hedge fund guys, pro athletes, guys in bands. These girls know how to keep quiet. But here’s the deal: You have to buy them stuff. And not just plane tickets. I’m talking about apartments. And cars.
Best method of all is you help them create their own companies. Interior decorating is a good one. “Event planner” is another. Then you hire their companies. This way they’ve got some skin in the game — if they talk, they lose their livelihood.
Plus, they also lose out on ever landing a rich guy ever again. My bet is Rachel never says a word. She’s smart enough to know that if she talks, she’s toast.
Dear old Jaimee Grubbs, however? Lost cause. That one, you’re just going to have to endure.
The good news is, Tiger will get through this. He’ll keep his endorsements. Maybe he’ll have to lie low for a while. But by next summer he’ll be back in the game, and now he’ll be playing like a pro.