Dear U.S. Chamber of Commerce: You are totally full of shit, now please sit down and shut the fuck up

We quit the U.S. Chamber of Commerce because they’re imbeciles about climate change. But then, in an incredibly brazen move, the head of the Chamber fired back at me yesterday with an open letter in which he criticized Apple and said the Chamber really does care about climate change, and we just didn’t take the time to listen to their plans. Well, I didn’t want to have to do this. But you know what? If you make war with El Jobso, expect to get hurt. Do you hear me, ese? Are you loco? So fine. Let’s make war. And let’s take a closer look at the fine people who work at the Chamber of Commerce. Please, people — pass this post along to your friends. It’s worth reading.

First, check out what their president had to say to me: “It is unfortunate that your company didn’t take the time to understand the Chamber’s position on climate and forfeited the opportunity to advance a 21st century approach to climate change.”

Yeah. See, we’re the ones who didn’t do our homework, and they’re the ones with the serious plans for addressing climate change.

Apparently they want you to forget that they’re the ones who recently wanted to put climate science on trial. And they’ve done a great job of blocking health care reform, too.

So who are these brave patriots? Well, there’s Robert Milligan, who sports really nice toupee and is “chairman of M.I. Industries, an animal and meat protein processing company based in Lincoln, Nebraska,” and serves on the National Association of Manufacturers and is “international president of CBMC, a Christian marketplace ministry to business and professional leaders in 90 countries around the world.”

There’s Thomas Bell Jr., a good old boy with ties to Ralph Reed.

There’s Steve Van Andel, who runs Amway and appears to be a massive dorktard.

There’s David E. Kepler from Dow Chemical, John Hopkins from Fluor Corp., which built the Trans-Alaska Pipeline, and Jeffrey Crowe, from Landstar Systems, a big trucking company.

There’s R. Bruce Josten, the head of government affairs for the Chamber, whose accomplishments include creating the Alliance for Energy and Economic Growth, which sounds kind of progressive until you learn that its Web site is registered to the American Gas Association and its members include the American Petroleum Institute, the Air-Conditioning and Refrigeration Institute, the Association of American Railroads, the Association of Oil Pipelines, and dozens of oil and gas and energy companies. Who knew?

There’s Thomas Collamore, who was “chief operating officer of the Friends for Fred Thompson Committee,” and before that spent 14 years as head flack at Altria Group — which you might know better under its previous name, Philip Morris Corp. Yes, friends, he was flacking for big tobacco — he’s the real-life version of the guy in “Thank You for Smoking.” Before that he worked was “chief of staff and assistant secretary of Commerce in the George H.W. Bush administration.” Kiss me on the lips, you fucking prince.

And finally here is the real gem of the bunch — Karen Alderman Harbert, the Chamber’s “energy czar,” the director of its “Institute for 21st Century Energy.” She was a bigshot in the Department of Energy during the Bush administration, and is a huge enemy to environmentalists. Before her stint in the super-progressive Bush administration Karen Harbert “worked for a developer of international infrastructure and power projects valued at more than $9 billion in countries in the Middle East, Asia, and Latin America.” Ahem.

Here’s a video where you can hear Karen Harbert explain her super progressive views on energy, which include drilling more oil and digging more coal — and “protecting families.”

So, um, yeah. That open letter to Apple? All that stuff about how you’re so serious about climate change, and we’re the bad guys because we didn’t take the time to listen?

U.S. Chamber of Commerce — you are full of fucking shit, and you need to sit down and shut the fuck up.

Hat tip to iLarynx for the tip. Much love, you sleuth.