The week began with a poll.  What’s a good name for the rumored Apple tablet?  Results here.  Squirrel Boy’s track record takes another hit. FSJ tackles the problems with Android.  Disney asks Dear Leader for some retail therapy.   El Jobso takes a meeting with Demi and Ash.  An entire TV show will be sponsored by a certain new OS. Speaking of that OS, Apple sees a chance to grow market share when it gets released.  (We can’t forget the Flight Of The Falcon, either.  Hitler was not pleased.)

Sorry about not blogging but you know those T-shirts that say Don’t let the turkeys get you down? I need one of those. And now I just need to unload a bit.

We’re in a meeting rehearsing our earnings call, and Peter Oppenheimer starts going on about how the Balloon Boy thing was all a hoax, and Phil says no way, the kid just got scared because his old man’s a violent psycho and he figured he was going to get his ass kicked so he went up in the garage and hid out, and then Ron says the whole family are a pack of weirdos and Katie says no shit because did you see that rap video with the three kids in it and the mom playing guitar in a playground –and I’m like Jesus fucking Christ, what the fuck is wrong with you people? Can we just focus here? Because you dickwads are making my liver hurt. And then Larry interrupts the meeting, walks in unannounced, dressed in this Halloween costume, which I guess was supposed to be funny.

Anyway, I’m still at the office, just got out of one meeting and I want to go home n the worst way and just watch Curb Your Enthusiasm but I can’t — we still have more fucking meetings. And I’m not feeling great to begin with and I can’t gain weight and they keep making me eat more ice cream and honestly I don’t know what the point of it all is.

But then I tune into this video again and I tell myself, Dude, get some perspective. Lately it’s the only thing that keeps me grounded. Enjoy it. Happy weekend.

Valleywag has a great take on this year’s Oracle OpenWorld.  Mr. E kicked off his keynote with a 5 minute homage to his…boat.  He said, “It’s a great boat, you should get one.”  Can’t afford your own boat?  How about a polo or gear bag?  Aerosmith played the event, and Steve Tyler added: “Apple wanted us to play tonight, but when we compared Apples to Oracles, we knew which was the right choice. Thanks Larry!”  (Nice work by Alex Handy.)

Apple thinks they can use the OS launch to their advantage, says CNET.  “Users are really growing tired of Windows and the headaches it brings,” said Apple VP Brian Croll.  Of course they are.  More here.

We know the Google guys love Legos.  Curious why they didn’t buy this house before it was destroyed, since $81,000 was the cost- pocket money for them.  But now we have a kitchen made with 20,000 of them.

The first of what will probably be several posthumous Michael Jackson albums will indeed be sold on iTunes, reports Wired.  Look for it online October 26.

The Internet’s buzzing over the story of a small Colorado boy named Falcon taking off in a balloon.   Both Twitter and Google Trends report spikes in traffic.  The balloon’s landed but the child is still missing. (Give that video link a sec to load.) 
Update: Never mind.  The boy has been found safe in his house. Here’s his mea culpa. 

I’m in LA for Disney stuff, and somehow I end up with these two bozos on my calendar. I tried to get out of it, but they were already out in the waiting area and there was no way to escape. He comes in dressed like a twelve-year-old, and as for Demi — well, I’ll tell you something. You get up close on her, and even with all the makeup, she’s scary. I mean like Halloween scary.

So I know why they’re here — Ashton’s latest movie, “Spread,” earned a whopping $250,000 at the box office, his TV show got shut down after two episodes, and his restaurant, Dolce, flopped. So basically, he’s hanging around with not much to do except Twitter his inane thoughts to the world, and it’s driving Demi nuts and she needs him to find something to do with his life because otherwise she’s just got some 31-year-old homeless guy living in her house. All well and good, and I applaud her for trying to turn this imbecile into a productive member of society — but just leave me the fuck out of it, is basically how I feel.

So I did what I always do with Hollywood people, which is that I pretend I have no idea who they are or what they do. I go, Hey, it’s nice to meet you and everything, but I’m afraid I have nothing to with choosing the talent for our keynote events, that’s totally someone else’s department. And they’re like, Talent? For a keynote? Huh? I go, You want to perform at the event in January, right? Like, with your band or something? Or just solo? I’m pretty sure we’ve already booked someone — Lady Blah Blah or something? Does that ring a bell? — but I’d be happy to put you in touch with the right people for next time. You could audition or something.

Ashton goes, Dude, I’m not a singer. I go, What do you do? You play guitar or something? He says, No, dude, I’m not in a band. I give them this puzzled look and I go, I thought you were in a band. Then Demi starts getting pissed and she goes, He’s an actor. He’s Ashton Kutcher. He’s the number one person on Twitter. Have you really not heard of him?

I totally ignore her and say, to Ashton, Well, I don’t use Twitter, so forgive me. But I have to tell you, your manager is kind of bugging the shit out of me here. Demi goes, Manager? You think I’m his manager? And I go, Okay, I’m sorry — your mom is bugging me. Can we maybe meet one on one about this stuff? You know what I mean? Because the estrogen quotient in this room is getting a little out of control. Are you feeling me on this?

Ashton’s like, Totally. And Demi’s like, Excuse me? What the fuck? Then Ashton kind of sits there laughing to himself, like he sort of gets what’s going on, and Demi is like, Look, we’re here to pitch you, okay? Ashton wants to be the “I’m a Mac” guy. Not to replace Justin Long. To succeed him. You see? That campaign needs to evolve. It’s static. It’s the same thing, over and over. We get it. Two guys, one’s a dork, the other’s cool. But you need to refresh it. It’s getting stale.

She pokes him in the arm and says, Go ahead, show him, do it for him. He goes, Nah, I don’t know. She says, No, go go ahead, do it. He’s all bashful and goes, Oh, I don’t know. At this point she just totally snaps and says, Goddammit Ashton fucking stand up and fucking do it!

So he stands up, like some dumbass kid in a school play, and she says, Don’t fucking slouch, Ashton! Which of course just makes him more nervous. He goes, Uh, seriously, I think I’d be really good at it, because I’m a totally huge Mac fan, like, for a long time or whatever. And, like, nothing against Justin, because I actually really, like, like him a lot, but I just think I could take that character to the next level, you know? Okay. Okay. You ready?

He clears his throat, and takes a deep breath. He closes his eyes, like he’s doing some kind of Method technique, and then he goes: Hi, I’m a Mac. Hey, PC — I heard that Windows 7 is like really hard to install, is that true or what?

He stops. He stands there. Waiting. I let him wait.

Then I turn to Demi and I go, Wait a minute — I just realized who you are! You’re on Desperate Housewives, right? God, I feel so stupid. Senior moment, right? And you were in The Breakfast Club, too, right? And before that you were in porn. I know your name, I mean it’s right there in my head and I can’t get it. Hold on, don’t tell me. I know this. Don’t tell me. Ah! Yes! I’ve got it — Ally Sheedy! Right?

She says, That’s it. We’re leaving. I’m like, No, come on! I’m a huge fan! That one movie you made with Ron Jeremy, I must have seen it a hundred times. And I think it’s awesome that your son is an actor too! Look, can I at least get your autograph? Let me find a pen.

But by then they’re gone, and Bob Eiger, who’s been watching the whole thing through a mirror, comes in from the next room and he’s like, You know what, Steve? The world needs more of you.

Michael Arrington’s CrunchPad doesn’t exist yet, but it has won an award from Popular Mechanics. It’s on their list of “10 best products of 2009.” They also gave an award to the Palm Pre. And they wonder why nobody reads Popular Mechanics anymore. Except Woz, who says he finds it “fascinating.” Much love to Lost Angel for bringing this to my attention.

Herman Munster of Piper Jaffray says we’re going to blow out our numbers for the September quarter on strong Mac sales and the fact that with iPhone, “demand is outstripping supply.” [Alley Insider.]

The iPhone continues to lay waste to all rivals. Latest victim: Nokia. They lost six points of share in the smartphone market and posted their first quarterly loss in a decade. Sorry about that, you big dumb Swedes. [AllThingsD]

The Wall Street Journal sides with the U.S. Chamber of Commerce and against us, saying we’re hurting our shareholders. Dear Wall Street Journal: Eat my sack. [WSJ]

Kai-Fu Lee is going around telling people that I begged him not to go to Microsoft China and to please please please come back to Apple. I have no memory of this conversation. [TechCrunch]

Dell’s Android phone looks like ass, especially when you put it next to an iPhone. [Gizmodo]

Newsweek, thinking wishfully, says the iTablet will save media. Yeah. As if. [Newsweek]