Poor Gruber. We’ve fucked with his head so badly that he doesn’t know what to think anymore.
First he predicted new iMacs with Blu-Ray, and Alley Insider, which does no actual reporting of its own but instead just re-reports whatever nonsense Gruber pulls out of his ass as if these steaming piles of crap were the same thing as actual fucking news, repeated Gruber’s wrongheaded post as if Moses himself had come down off the cross and said it. But now Alley Insider reports the stunning breaking news that — gasp — Gruber has changed his mind! Good Lord! Better yet, Alley Insider used to call Gruber “Apple God Gruber.” Yesterday they changed that to “Apple Ace Gruber.” Today, after yet another swing and miss, they’re calling him a “well-sourced blogger.” As in, “our well-sourced blogger is so well-sourced that he now has learned that the well-sourced prediction he made yesterday was, in fact, based on information obtained from sources who are not as well-sourced as the sources who are now feeding him information that he believes is the gospel truth, based on well-sourced sources.”
I’d embed links to Gruber’s original post and his retraction, but for some strange reason his site is down right now. We’ll go looking for the originals later. We’ll also keep feeding him more conflicting info to see if we can get him to retract his retraction. That would be a gruber of epic proportions.
For those just tuning in: as we reported recently, Gruber is famously wrong on most of the shit he predicts. It’s not his fault. It’s ours. We’ve been feeding him loads of wrong info in order to undermine his credibility. And it’s working. Especially lately, like on our iPod announcements. The hilarity ensues not from Gruber being totally wrong all the time, but from him being such a total know-it-all prick, so absolutely cocksure and confident about how cool and plugged in and “well-sourced” at Apple he is and how much smarter he is than everyone else who covers Apple. (Our PR flacks fucking hate him.) It’s like a guy who keeps stepping up to the plate and pointing to the spot in the bleachers where he’s going to hit his home run — even though every time he swings, he misses the ball by several feet. It’s like watching Andy Kaufman mouthing off to Jerry Lawler and then getting the shit kicked out of him. (See below.)
Gruber has been wrong so often, in fact, that we invented a new verb, “to gruber,” meaning “to predict incorrectly.”
I’ve made this suggestion before but let me try this again: Why don’t you fucktards just stop trying to predict what we’re going to put out? Why not just show up like everyone else, sit there with your notebooks on your lap and your hands in the clap position and just wait to hear what the fuck we say and then cheer wildly like a pack of idiots when we give you the “applause” cue? Is that so fucking hard? I mean, Mossberg and Pogue manage to do it, right? How hard can it be?
Oh well. Enjoy some vintage Andy Kaufmann: