Ray Kurzweil is driving me out of my fucking mind

He’s all over me about the transplant and his crazy Singularity theories. It started with email, then phone calls. Then he escalated to actually physically stalking me. He keeps tracking me down in public, coming up to me in restaurants and stuff, and he’s like, You’ve started the transition, haven’t you? You have, right? At first I tried to humor him and play along, but that just made it worse. The other day I was in a stall in the men’s room at Il Fornaio and I look up and there he is, peering over the wall at me. He’s like, Just tell me what it feels like. I’m like, Dude, it sucks, I’ve got a new liver, it’s no fun. He’s like, No, tell me about the nanobots. I know you got them. You did, right?

What’s even weirder is that he’s wearing one of those earpiece-microphone things, like in the photo above — he wears it wherever he goes, and I think there’s someone on the other end talking to him, but I don’t know. I finish up and go out to the sink and he’s standing next to me, looking at me in the mirror. I’m like, Seriously, dude, what are you looking at? He says, I’m trying to see where they put the controllers under your skin. It’s amazing. It’s barely visible.

Again I try to blow him off and he’s like, Look, I’ve been studying this stuff for years. I know what I’m talking about. I know it’s real. You got access, right? You did, didn’t you. I said I got no more access than anyone else who needs a transplant, no special favors, it’s all been covered in the press, blah blah. He goes, No, not that. Come on. The liver thing was a cover. Everyone knows that. You got access to the black ops government program. We know they’re recruiting people. Tell me something — did you get the advanced intelligence module? Are there any virtual reality components?

I ask him where he’s getting all this and finally he explains that the “giveaway,” as he calls it, was that the operation was done in Tennessee. He’s like, Hello? Tennessee? Like, home of Arnold Air Force Base? Everyone in the Singularitarian community knows that that’s where they’re doing covert work on nanotechnology and biotech. I mean it’s hardly a secret. And then your doctor just happens to be Dr. James Eason, a former Air Force surgeon who did his residency at Lackland Air Force Base in Texas, aka the other leading covert nanobot development facility. Good Lord, Steve. Eason is like the Oppenheimer of Singularity technologies. Everyone knows that.

Again I try to just blow him off, but he’s a persistent little fucker. He goes, Steve, I’m the head of the Singularity University. My whole team knows about all this stuff. We’ve got NASA on board. And the Google guys. People talk, Steve. The NASA guys are talking about this right out in the open. We may be crazy, but we’re not stupid. We can put two and two together and make five. So come on. Tell me. Seriously. How far along are they? Have they worked out the kinks in the cyborg vision yet? I promise I won’t tell anyone. I swear to God. They’ve approached Larry Page, did you know that? Did you know that? You’re not the only one out there with the nanobots, Steve!

By then I was out the door, and calling 911. Sorry, Ray Kurzweil. But the restraining order stays in place. And it is totally your own fault.