See here. Apple is “rotting”? Our iPhone users are “revolting”? Both news to me. Last I checked our business was going pretty well, in fact.

Truth is, this is just classic Apple flame bait, and the author, David Coursey, apparently hates me, as evidenced by this mean-spirited piece where he claims I said something in 1997 that turned out to be wrong, even though, in fact, what I said was exactly right. Go see for yourself.

Attention Revolver Films: We all enjoyed this funny video. In fact, we think it may be the best work you’ve ever done. Which is why we’re still not going to carry your lame-ass movies on iTunes. Sorry, punks.

Tasteless? You betcha. But only if you click on the photo to see a larger version. Much love to Art Director Jason.

Just wanted to offer a bit of thanks and a welcome to the new readers, and a “welcome back” to the old-timers. FYI, the site had 550,000 page views last month, and I was pretty blown away. But I just checked Site Meter and it appears that in the past 36 hours alone we’ve had 70,000 page views. As you know, I’m mathlexic. So I’m not sure what that would work out to if the traffic stayed like that for a whole month. But it’s a lot, I think. Which is, let’s face it, pretty weird. Who are these friggin people? And don’t they have anything better to do?

So here’s the thing. I want to make this more than just a blog. I want to make it a community. Or, dare I say it? A platform. Just as we’ve created a fantastic apps ecosystem around iPhone, we want to build a fantabulous Jobso-centric ecosystem around this site. Which means I really, really want to encourage you to participate. Write stuff. Make a movie for the mail-order brides. Be a citizen journalist. File reports from nerd events. Can you do a really good impersonation of Katie Cotton? Do you have a TV show you want to launch? A comic strip? Let Papa Steve be your platform provider. Our audience may not be huge, but who gives a shit? Consider this: Since the debut of Mosspuppet here on FSJ, our pal the puppetmaster at Hoggworks Studios has landed himself two media offers.

Also: if you are an animator, or if you know an animator, could you get in touch with me? I’ll explain over email.

I’ll be blogging sporadically this week, and taking next week off to spend seven days in total silence, fasting and meditating and drinking cleansing smoothies in preparation for the iTablet keynote. During that time I will be pondering some deep issues, including the ways in which the FSJ site could be redesigned to be more of a showcase for the creativity of the community. If you have ideas, please send them in.

And Putin? When you get done playing Brokeback Cossack, could you please friggin send me an email? Also, can I just point out that when guys like you start working really hard to show how tough and macho they are, we all know what it means? Not that there’s anything wrong with that. But anyway. Put on some clothes and get back to ruining the lives of your people. Okay? You daft old queen.

Here’s the deal. Iulia (top photo) and Natasha, our interns in Krasnodar, want to come to the United States. I’ve been having a hell of a time getting this done the legitimate way. (Remind me someday to write a post about the hassles of hiring foreign-born workers thanks to the fuckwits in Washington.) Anyway, we’re going to Plan B, which is we get them into the country on a tourist visa, they meet the American nerd of their dreams, and they get married and stay here. At some point down the road a quiet divorce is arranged, a bit of money changes hands — Apple will keep 30 percent of all transactions — and everyone walks away happy. Or maybe this beautiful Russian girl actually falls in love with you. Wait and see.

The catch is, the girls want to see you. They want videos. And they have some rules. (Ever dated an Eastern European? Get used to it.) First rule is, no genitals. Not even the funny kind, like the “Puppetry of the Penis” stuff. Also, no video can last longer than 30 seconds. If you make a video that’s really great, maybe they’ll ask for more. But to start out, you get 30 seconds. My advice is to do something more than just sit in front of your Mac talking to your built-in iSight camera, like some Mossberg clone. Hell, be creative! Show these ladies where you live, or how much weight you can bench! Recite poetry. Impress them with your nerd skills. Fire up your iPhone 3GS with its built-in videocamera and get out of your office. Sharpen up your iMovie editing skills, and maybe, if you’re lucky, you can convince one these ridiculously beautiful women that you are the nerd of her dreams. Married man are eligible. So are women. Good luck.

I say this only because those ads are the best thing that has ever happened to us, and we’d hate to see Palm wake up and obtain a clue and stop running them. What we’re all wondering is, what pack of geniuses sat in a room and looked at these ads and said, Sure, let’s pump millions of dollars into this campaign? I mean, think about it. You’ve just rolled out a new product. You decide, first of all, that you’re going to target women. Which is a great idea because, um, women don’t buy smart phones. Smart move, right? It’s like making a new brand of Summer’s Eve — for men.

Also, think about it. The campaign won’t draw women because women don’t want products that condescend to them by putting things like a makeup mirror on the back. Worse yet, now you’ve stigmatized your product by making it seem like a “chick phone,” so dudes won’t want to buy it. You’ve created the Lexus RX of smartphones. Hey, Ruby? You’re an engineer, remember? Not a marketing guy. Back at Apple you were always complaining because we wouldn’t let you attend meetings where we discussed product strategy and advertising. Hate to be blunt, but there’s a reason we keep you nerds locked up in the labs. Now you realize why, maybe. Or maybe you don’t. Maybe you really do think you’re Jobso Junior, and believe you too can be both a brilliant product visionary and the world’s greatest product marketer. If that’s the case, I weep for your deluded soul.

Okay. But let’s say you really do intend to make a product and aim it at women. Even if that’s the case, you might want to think twice about casting some girl who has no eyebrows or eyelashes and who looks almost exactly like the scary animated woman from the Barbie Fairytopia movies. Yup, that’s gonna draw the ladies. For sure. Cause if there’s one thing women are looking for is some new technology that can turn them into mindless, soulless Barbie doll zombies.

You know there’s an old saying (it’s either Steve Martin or Sun Tzu, I can never remember) that goes, “When your opponent is committing suicide, get out of his way.” That’s how we feel about these Pre ads. They’re so bad that the ad guy who created them is being grilled by Advertising Age and is defending them by saying, in effect, that yes they are terrible, but that’s a good thing, because now everyone is talking about the Palm Pre. I’d like to be a fly on the wall when he’s sitting in a conference room using that line on Ruby and trying to get paid. I used to think that the Borg’s advertising could never be outdone. But you know what? Ruby & Co. have done it. Well done, Ruby. Well done.

For what it’s worth, Katie does a scary good impersonation of these ads. Like we’ll be sitting in a meeting and someone will ask her a question and she’ll pause, and turn sideways, and pull her hair back really tight and start talking in that Pre girl zombie voice. Katie, I love you. I really do.

Just for the heck of it, look at this ad:

And here’s a spoof:

And here is an Exorcist-themed riff from Attack of the Show:

And he’s like, You racist motherfucker! I’m riding across Harvard Square on my giant tricycle and I’m waiting for your call — because don’t you even think that Henry Louis Gates Jr. is going to call you; you call me, cracker — and now I’m thinking to myself, Has this crazy-ass ofay totally lost his goddamn mind? I mean really! Have you seen your board of directors lately? Or your management team? Noticed anything unusual about it? Like, perhaps, a certain sameness? Has it occurred to you that you might take steps to address this egregious situation? When I read about Schmidt this morning I figured it’s a slam dunk that I’m going to be getting the call. I’ve even prepared my list of demands: housing allowance, transportation, a public apology and a promise to attend sensitivity classes. Well, white devil, I certainly hope that you are just very busy this morning. But I’m warning you: I will not be toyed with. You have until the end of the day. If I haven’t heard from you by then, I’m going nuclear. I’ll call the New York Times and I’ll unleash a “teaching moment” on your ass. I swear to God I’ll do it, and you know I’m not bluffing. Your call.

And he’s like, Let’s not dance around it. I’ll blow you. Okay? I’ll bring my own stepladder. And I’ll stop editing Katie’s scripts. I’ll read them exactly the way she writes them for me. Word for word. I promise. Steve, I’m standing on a box outside your office right now with jumper cables attached to my nipples. Look out the window. Yeah. That’s me. I’ll do it, Steve. I swear I will.

I’ve wanted to get off this crap system for a while now, but Eric kept talking me into staying, telling me it would look bad if I quit his service. Well, now that we’re at war, what’s the point? I’m moving to WordPress, bitch. More info on this as it develops.