So we’re supposed to figure out who should replace Eric Schmidt on our board, and every fucktard in the world has an opinion, including this guy at the TheStreet.com, who says we should get an outsider, someone truly independent. Yeah. That’s gonna happen. So anyway we met yesterday, the deal was we were all supposed to bring in a name of someone we’d recommend and put our name into a hat and the old guy from J. Crew would draw them out of the hat and then we’d all say what we thought of that person. As expected, most of the board had written the name “Tim Cook,” except Andrea Jung, who continues to go rogue at every opportunity. She’d written down “Larry Summers,” which I guess was supposed to be provocative because, like, Summers would dare to talk back to me or something. And also Andrea just read “Outliers” and now she’s using the word “outlier” all the time and trying to be all “outlier” about everything she does. Whatevs. Larry Summers has as much chance of getting on our board as I have of being named to replace him as president of Yale. Not gonna happen.
Frankly I don’t even think we need to replace Eric, and if we do replace him, I really don’t care who we get, as long as it’s someone who’s a good fit with the rest of the board, meaning someone who does whatever the fuck I tell them to do and signs off on my options grants and jumps under a bus if El Jobso gets in trouble. Since I’m the boss, I got to put two names into the hat instead of just one, and mine were “Harry Potter, Esq.” and “Chuck E. Cheese.” Campbell laughed — it’s what he gets paid to do — but the old guy from J. Crew said he’d never heard of “this Cheese person” and is he an academic or something? Andrea Jung got all pissed off and said I wasn’t taking this seriously at all, and I commended her for having such tremendous powers of observation. She asked me if I’d like to try again, and this time make a serious recommendation, and I said, Sure, I’d like to recommend Diego, my gardener. Andrea told the old guy that she wanted to file a formal complaint against me, and I said I was disappointed that Andrea was opposing my motion regarding Diego, and I wondered whether this was simply because Diego is Mexican, and if that’s the case, then I would like to have an official complaint of racism placed in Andrea’s HR file. Andrea responded that I should print out that complaint, roll it up into a ball, and insert it into my rectum.
I was actually starting to enjoy this, but then my iPhone buzzed and I said it was really important and I had to step outside to take the call because it was my doctor, even though actually it was Katie doing our pre-planned bail-out call. I went outside and pretended to be talking about medical stuff and kind of wandered down the hall and never went back.