First this. Now this. Seriously, you guys are a bunch of freaks. I mean it. Much love to Alex for the tip.

(Art work by Jason.)

So much Apple news, and so little time. Sigh. Iulia and Natasha have rounded up the best stuff and boiled it into a list of briefs so you can save yourself the trouble of actually reading all these lousy tech blogs.

First, there’s now an iPhone app called Cannabis that helps you find a pot dealer. We had this built by an outside company, so we’re completely hands-off and can’t be held responsible for anything. Next up: one that helps you find LSD and other psychedelics, with a social networking component that enables people to filter out bad doses and weak shit.

Second, some Wall Street guy reports that we are delivering 1% of unit sales in the cell phone market, but 20% of the industry’s total operating profit. Sucks to be us, right?

Third, the market for mobile apps is booming, but 90% of developers fail because the space is so crowded and they can’t rise above the noise. And even the few apps that become big hits can’t stay on top for very long. A modest proposal for makers of iPhone apps: Dig up some money and sponsor an edgy, Apple-centric blog with an incredibly attractive demographic of tech-savvy young males with high incomes. Just a thought.

Fourth, apparently a lot of iPhone app developers are pissed at us. Like this guy, who complains, “Trying to communicate with Apple is like talking to a brick wall,” and says he has started to think he can’t really make a business writing apps for iPhone. My response? Tough noogies, you whiny bitch. Go write for the Palm Pre, with their huge installed base. Or go do Android, and you can create a different version of your app for every different piece of hardware that Android runs on. Or hey, go do Windows Mobile. No, seriously. Let us know how that works out for you. As for the rest of you? Back to work, fuckers. Daddy needs to get paid.

Fifth, Dan Frommer of Alley Insider loves his iPhone so much that he wants to have a sex change operation so that he can marry me and give birth to my half-human, half-divine babies. Or something like that.

Sixth, apparently we have reached a deal with China Unicom to bring iPhone to China by September of this year. That’s news to me. Tim Cook says it’s news to him too. But hey, much love, China Unicom.

Seven, some wussies are complaining about our iPhone app screening process because we’ve approved a new iPhone game that they think encourages kids to go all Columbine on their classmates. Fact check: The game does not tell kids to shoot their teachers and classmates. They have to first turn their classmates and teachers into zombies — then shoot them. Huge difference. Because, think about it. Ever seen a zombie movie? These are not nice creatures. The game is called Zombie School and it’s made by a company called Retarded Arts. And it turns out they’ve been astroturfing their app and pretending to be “outraged” consumers. Nice work, guys. We expect to see you on the O’Reilly show by the of this week. If we get a call we’re going to send Katie, and no matter what Bill-O the clown says to her, she’s just going to smile and repeat the same sentence, paraphrasing our press release, over and over: “In just one year we’ve had one and a half billion downloads from our App Store. It’s the biggest success in the history of our industry.”

Eight, some guy at TechCrunch says the iPhone is great but AT&T is a “big, steaming pile” of poop. I have to agree. If anything, we hate those morons at AT&T more than you do. Do you have any idea how awful it is to be yoked to a pack of bozos like that? Truth is, nobody around here runs their iPhone on AT&T. Most of us are on Verizon — we’re doing a trial before the official announcement, which should come later this year or early next. Oops. Did I just say that out loud? In case you’re wondering what it’s like on Verizon — it’s spectacular.

Nine, the dopes who run Twitter love to preen and strut and tout the virtues of openness and freedom of information and total transparency and empowering people to speak the truth and breaking the shackles of of censorship — at least, when those people are in Iran. But they sure sing a different song when that spirit of openness is applied to Twitter itself. Right now they’re threatening to take legal action against TechCrunch, because TechCrunch dared to published some leaked (read: stolen) documents which revealed Twitter’s double-super-top-secret (and incredibly inane) plans to take over the world by 2013. Dear Twitter guys: You are a bunch of hapless half-wits, and now you’re hypocrites, too. Also, fwiw, your product is not a product — it’s a feature. There’s a difference. Your only way out is to be bought by someone who will add your feature to whatever they make. Yes, maybe you’ll have a zillion billion members by 2020. Lot of people use email and IM software, too. Have you heard of any email companies that are taking in a billion dollars a year selling email? Know any billion-dollar IM companies? Yeah, I didn’t think so. But keep gelling your hair into those ridiculous shapes and telling yourselves you’re the next Larry and Sergey. And keep pitching those crazy spreadsheets to VCs, and maybe they’ll keep you alive for another few years, you twats. I just hope Retarded Arts doesn’t create a game where you get turned into zombies and shot. “Zombie Twats.” Something like that.

Sorry, but this Twitter foolishness makes my liver hurt. Where’s my medical marijuana? I’m gonna go download that Cannabis app.

Hot on the heels of his first-ever visit to an Apple store, Silicon Alley “Insider” Henry Blodget has made another startling discovery — Henry Blodget has set foot inside a Starbucks and now, we are told by informers at SAI, Henry Blodget is preparing a gushing 4,000-word blog post explaining how long Henry Blodget waited in line, and what Henry Blodget ordered, and whether Henry Blodget was pleased or displeased with the experience. The idea, according to Henry Blodget, is that many of his tech-savvy investor readers on Wall Street might also be considering visiting a Starbucks, and perhaps would like a rundown from Henry Blodget about what to expect. An excerpt:

Of course I’ve been aware of these shops, but I must confess: I’d never been inside one. Until now. It is, in a word, amazing. There are three sizes, but they are not “small,” “medium,” and “large,” as you might expect. Rather, they are “tall,” “grande,” and “venti.” There is no table service. You wait in a line, and order at a counter. My order-taker, Alena, asked me what I wanted, and I told her, and she rang it up. However — she did not make my coffee drink. Rather, she relayed my order to a different person, whose job it is to prepare coffee drinks. This person is called a barista, and I’m told they are highly trained. Alena’s title, apparently, is “cashista.” Very foreign sounding and I must admit: This really is like stepping into a different world.

Apparently Henry Blodget found the experience delightful:

My iced coffee drink was fresh and delicious, extremely cold, and served up quickly and professionally. Over the next few days I will make follow-up visits to other Starbucks locations and will share my experiences here on the blog. For now, though, consider me one very happy new customer!

Peace out, Henry Blodget. Keep the updates coming.

A few days ago we sat around slack-jawed after re-reporting that Henry Blodget, founder of tech blog Silicon Alley Insider and a former Wall Street tech analyst who was almost single-handedly responsible for the dotcom bubble, admitted that until this week he had never been inside an Apple store. We particularly enjoyed Henry Blodget’s excruciating explanation of how an Apple store works and Henry Blodget’s notion that the whole world wants to know every little detail about how Henry Blodget purchased Henry Blodget’s iPhone. Today Henry Blodget follows up with an insidery update about Henry Blodget’s experience after using iPhone for four days. Guess what? The insider information is that Henry Blodget likes the iPhone, but Henry Blodget does not think iPhone is perfect. After four days — four days! — Henry Blodget has not downloaded any apps or taken any photos of videos. Also, Henry Blodget has not downloaded his contacts. No word on whether Henry Blodget has put any music on his iPhone or what bands Henry Blodget likes, but we are looking forward to learning more about this, in excruciating detail, in a future post.

Meanwhile, Henry Blodget has done some exhaustive investigative reporting and reports that the iPhone battery is not very good, at least in Henry Blodget’s opinion, and that to Henry Blodget, 3G networking feels slow compared to WiFi. Also, Henry Blodget has turned up a startling fact: the iPhone plays video. Money quote:

Watching the first video clip on our site was close to a religious experience. Wow. I’ll say it again: Wow.

Wow indeed, Henry Blodget. We know how Henry Blodget must feel. Everyone at Apple is still stunned that Henry Blodget never been in an Apple store before, but very happy that you have joined the cult. And we’re just waiting to see what Henry Blodget might discover next. Honestly, Henry Blodget, we hang on your every word. It’s so … insidery.

Time flies. Enjoy the Lothar. Support your local dispensary. Be at peace.

By “rails” I mean that after our little wake-up call this week Ruby now finds himself on the express train right out of his deluded belief that he can just steal our stuff and get away with it. Poor Ruby. He really did think he was going to kill the iPhone with the Pre. He really, really did. So he goosed Palm’s numbers last quarter so that he could take over the company and look like the company was building momentum. But he overplayed his hand with the Pre. He raised expectations too high. But now the sales are dropping off and it’s starting to occur to everyone that the Pre is just not that hot a product. Like, hardware quality issues? In a launch phone? Not good. And now we’ve updated iTunes and, just like that, put an end to his stupid little ploy of making his phone piggyback on our software. In the linked story up above, a Palm flack tries to make it sound like we’re the bad guys, and suggests at the same time that it’s no big deal because Pre owners can just stick with an older version of iTunes. Yeah. Good luck with that. Of course there’s another idea. Maybe Palm could make its own music management software. Has that occurred to you guys? I know, that sounds like work. Well, boo hoo.

FWIW, you should have heard Ruby when he called Bertrand Serlet to complain about us breaking his device. Hilarious. Bertrand came to lunch doing this savage Ruby impersonation — nasal voice and all. Thing about Bertrand is, he’s really, really mean. Lot of people don’t know that.

See the embarrassing entry from the diary of a Coldplay roadie here. Much has been made about the fact that I was spotted backstage at a Colplay concert at the Shoreline this week, and how supposedly I’m some big Coldplay fan. Truth is, I can’t stand their music. But my wife loves them, so off we went. I will admit I was curious because I remembered their singer, Ricky Martin, being a big hit in the 90s. But frankly after one song I tuned it out. I put in my earbuds and listened to “Band of Gypsys” on my iPod and wished, as I often do, that it was 1970 all over again. Because that, my friends, was music.

To my brothers and sisters engaged in the heroic struggle for freedom in Washington, D.C. — we send out this video to let you know that we are with you. We stand together. The fascist D.C police want to keep you down. We say no! The power of technology is the power of freedom! As my good friend Chuck D (who by the way just loves his MacBook Pro) says: “What we need is awareness. We can’t get careless.”

Thanks to the PhantomAlert Trapster application, ordinary citizens have gained a foothold in the fight against tyranny. Now, in the spirit of civil disobedience fostered by Gandhi and John Lennon and Martin Luther King Jr., Apple and PhantomAlert Trapster are announcing a radical one-time offer: Until closing time today, Apple will be distributing free iPhones (*) pre-loaded with the PhantomAlert Trapster application at these DC-area Apple stores. We’re calling it “Fight the Power Friday.” Bring a printout of this blog item (**) with you.

* Offer applies to 8-GB iPhone 3G. Two-year activation contract required. Limit one per customer.

** This offer is purely fictional and not valid anywhere.

UPDATE: The original version of this post said the application was called PhantomAlert, because that’s what the newspaper article said. In fact the application that lets you avoid speed trap cameras is called Trapster. We’ve fixed it above. FSJ regrets the error.

That’s because they’re using an iPhone app to find speed traps and avoid them. First of all, that’s not cowardly. That’s something else altogether. It’s called intelligence. Have you heard of it? Oh, that’s right. You’re a cop. That concept wouldn’t be on your radar, would it?

Anyway, it’s not the iPhone that’s responsible. What makes this app work is people. Everyone sends in info when they spot a speed trap, and they build a database. It’s the wisdom of crowds. The technology is just a weapon we’ve given them so they can fight the power. Now they’re collaborating. They’re banding together. They’re standing up to the man, and the man can’t stand it, man. One thing tyrants can’t handle is an organized peasantry. Note to D.C. police: We’ll give you our iPhones when you take them from our cold, dead hands!

This is just like the war on drugs. It’s all about taking away our freedom, invading our personal lives. Letting one small group oppress everyone else. The truth is, these lazy corrupt fascist D.C. cops set up ridiculous speed traps as a way to bring in easy money. Now they’re squealing because we’ve found a way to outsmart them. Wah! You hit the man where it hurts — in the pocketbook — and he doesn’t like it, does he? The caveman cops want to blame technology. But notice that you didn’t hear the pigs complaining about technology when they were the ones using technology to oppress us and take away our freedom. What really drives them nuts is that our tactics are perfectly legal. Listen up, people. I’ve been the victim of police brutality. I hate cops more than anything else in the world, except Finns. This kind of technology-driven revolution is exactly what Woz and I envisioned when we started the company. Damn! I’m so fired up with anger and righteous indignation! I’m going to put on some Rage Against the Machine and stomp around my office like Zack de la Rocha. Check out what Zack has to say about oppressive traffic laws in South America:

Awesome, right? I don’t speak Peruvian, so I don’t understand a word of what he’s saying. But the anger — and the truth — still come through. Viva la revolucion, mis hermanos. Peace out.