This just in. Last Friday a reporter from Forbes was hanging around outside the Outback Steakhouse on De Anza Boulevard in Cupertino trying to talk to Apple employees who were going out for beers after work. Guess he wanted to know whether anyone had seen Dear Leader, and if so, what did he look like, blah blah. Word spread quickly through the engineers hanging out at BJ’s, who immediately started taking turns walking down the street and pretending to be drunk and then throwing disinformation at this dickwad. One thing you hacks need to realize is that yes, our marketing and PR people receive training in how to spread fake stories, but guess what? Engineers don’t even need that training. That kind of shit comes naturally to them. So here are some of the stories we’re hoping to see on Forbes.com over the next few days:
1. Steve working out with Jon Ive at Apple gym and is seriously bulked up. Claims it’s just protein shakes, but some of the guys suspect steroids.
2. Steve, while hospitalized in Tennessee, fired several hospital employees who could not satisfactorily answer the question, “What do you do here?”
3. Steve had two livers installed, one as fail-over. Calls it “RAID-1″ configuration.
3a. No, Steve only got one liver, but the donor was Mexican and when Steve woke up he could speak fluent Spanish. Weird.
4. Steve made up “medical leave” story, was actually in Argentina visiting his mistress. Will confess at weepy press conference next week.
5. Apple tablet PC will be announced in July. Intel quad-core processor, tiny fan on back.
6. Steve seen eating cheeseburger in Caffe Macs, has apparently dropped the vegan thing.
By the way, Forbes reporter — we know your name. We know your home address. We’re working on getting your medical records. Keep this up and I swear to friggin God we will go nuclear on your ass and publish all of it. I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking I’m weak, I’m vulnerable, I’m having someone drive me to work and I need people to open doors for me. And so you think maybe you can push El Jobso around a little bit. Well, go ahead. Try it. Seriously. I dare you. I double-dare you. Fuckwit. I will crush you like the bug you are.
BTW, we highly encourage Apple fans to go lurk outside the Forbes Silicon Valley bureau and ask people if they’ve seen Brian Caulfield lately. The address is 555 Airport Boulevard, in Burlingame, and they’re on the fifth floor. Here is a photo of the place. Go right on up. There’s no guard in the lobby. There might be a guard on the fifth floor but he’s usually asleep and even if he’s awake he’s not armed and he’s easily overwhelmed. Great collection of Malcolm’s old motorcycles and some astronaut spacesuits. Totally worth checking out.