Look I know I’m on vacation and I’m not supposed to even look at work and I’m supposed to be resting and drinking my protein shakes but for the love of Christ I can’t friggin take it anymore. So I just called Jerry Yang and I’m like, Dude, I know you’re a shitty CEO, and fair enough, whatever, but I figured you could at least be a decent blogger. I mean look at Jonathan Schwartz. If he can do it, why can’t you? Jerry says he doesn’t want to quibble but he thinks he’s been doing an outstanding job. I’m like, Quibble? Did you just use the word quibble? Seriously, did that word just come out of your tiny little head? What the frig is wrong with you? Are you retarded? I mean I know you look retarded but I really didn’t think a retarded person could run a company. But then look at your results. You suck, Jerry. You SUCK! Your company sucks and you suck and your blogging sucks! I hope you don’t fuck as badly as you blog, because if you do I’m going to send some flowers to your wife to cheer her up. Seriously, dude. You suck, and you’re fired.
He started to stammer something about developing a rhythm and finding his voice and I was like, Look, slackjaw, you posted nothing all day yesterday. Nothing. Not a single item. He goes, Well, I’ve been working on something big, but I wanted to think about it. I’m like, Think? You wanted to think? Dude, Rule Number One in blogging is this: Don’t think — write. Ever read Scoble? That’s how it’s done, chum. You don’t think — you type this shit as fast as you can, whatever random thoughts come into your head. It’s all about the volume, baby. Seen Valleywag? Or TechCrunch? Or GigaOm? Or AllThingsD? Or Alley Insider? Alley Insider is doing a hundred and fifty posts a day, and Blodget still wants more from those guys. He’s standing there with a whip behind Kafka and Frommer going, More, bitches! More, more, more!
But you know what really put me over the top? It was this ridiculous letter to shareholders that Yahoo put out yesterday. Thirteen hundred words long and it felt like thirteen thousand words and in the end what did it say? Blah blah blah friggin blah. Me good, Icahn bad. Jesus, Jerry. That’s what you were doing when you were supposed to be blogging? You were writing some lame-ass alibi trying to make up some excuses for your lousy performance? I’m sorry, but you’re done. You suck. You’re toast. Maybe the Yahoo board can’t manage to assemble a pair of balls big enough to fire you, but you know what? I was born with balls that big. In fact I actually like firing people. I get off on it. It gives me wood. You get it? I’m rock hard right now. I’m lifting my desk off the floor. You’re done, Jerry.
Anyway Iulia and Natasha tell me they’ve got someone truly amazing in the on-deck circle. We’ll see. For now I’ll just write the damn thing myself. Now would someone please get me a friggin chai latte at exactly one hundred and sixty five degrees? Is that so difficult? Can we get that here? Do they have non-fat milk? And steam? Okay then. So do it! Hurry the frig up! No, I’m not going to apologize for throwing that at you. I think you should apologize to me for being a frigtard.
Okay. Relax, my children. Breathe easy. Jobso is back.