If you see these kids in an Apple store, please smack them in the head and then call security

Check out these two smug little know-it-all pricks. They really think they’re the shit, don’t they? Mr. Significant Eyewear and his Boy Band Member sidekick. Well they weren’t looking so cool and tough when we had them out back in a holding pen at the Palo Alto store, trust me. Thirty seconds with one of Moshe’s former Sayeret Matkal commandos and they were like blobs of jelly, sitting there crying and shivering and hugging each other and calling for their mommies. Chubbo actually peed his pants. Ha! Take that, Mr. No Pubes.

Little back story here. These two idiots and some of their friends were in the Palo Alto store and started downloading crapware onto an iPhone (see here) and generally being a pack of little pricks. If you’ve been in one of our stores lately you know exactly the kind of dickheads I’m talking about. Wisecracks to the staff, generally being a pack of little know-it-all wannabe Kevin Mitnicks.

So our security squad chased them down the street and detained them, subjected them to a bit of enhanced interrogation, tasered them a bit and then photographed them and warned them to stay out of Apple stores. This is all part of a larger plan (Operation Restore Order) that we’ve put into place to try to rid our stores of these packs of obnoxious teenagers who are loitering in our stores downloading music and screwing around with their Facebook pages and annoying the crap out of the staff and the other customers.

Now the spoiled little pricks are crying to the press. Boo hoo. We took their photos and distributed them to Apple stores worldwide to add to our list of people who aren’t allowed in the store. According to our legal team (the same ones who exonerated me on the options backdating stuff) the Geneva Conventions do not apply to bratty little rich kids from Palo Alto. They’re considered enemy combatants and therefore can be detained and held for as long as we’d like without charges being brought. FWIW, Borg employees are also classified as enemy combatants and subject to the same enhanced interrogation techniques.

I know some of you Apple faithful might be a bit concerned about this stuff and it might even make you a bit wary of going into an Apple store for fear of being detained. Sure, you can deal with being ignored by sales reps and condescended to by the geniuses; you can deal with the sneers and sniggers and the little wisecracks about what a frigtard you are. But detained and held? All I can say is that by entering the store you are agreeing to allow us to do whatever we want to you. It’s right in the user agreement. On the other hand, as long as you behave yourself and do as you’re told, everything will be cool.