Larry wants me to try some of his custom-made Viagra

You know how Larry is. All his clothes are bespoke. His yachts are custom-built. In restaurants he doesn’t even look at the menu — just tells the poor bastards what he wants to eat, and the chef makes it for him. So naturally when it comes to boner pills (or any pharmaceuticals, for that matter) he’s not going to settle for just the regular stuff that everyone else takes. No, not Larry. He’s got to have something special.

So he goes to Pfizer and pays them some ridiculous amount of money to create a personalized version of Viagra that reduces some of the side effects he’d been experiencing using the ordinary stuff. (Stuffy nose; upset stomach; occasionally a small amount of an unpleasant condition previously associated with Olestra. Ahem.) Pfizer also cranked up the potency and threw in a tiny bit of some kind of semi-psychedelic mood-altering chemical. They even print “LE” on each pill. Larry swears by the stuff and says if he could sell it commercially he’d make another billion on top of all the billions he already has, but apparently there are licensing issues with Pfizer. Whatever. The deal is he can have as much as he wants for himself and to share with friends. And now he wants me to try some.

I’m thinking about it, but honestly I don’t really have issues in that department. Larry says neither does he, he just takes the “Vitamin V” for kicks and so he can improve his recovery time, which is important when you’re sleeping with girls in their twenties because they’re used to doing it two, three, even four times a night. He says sometimes he takes it even when he’s not going to get laid; he just enjoys walking around with a tent in his pants. Makes him feel more powerful, he says. Takes a hit before meetings, and imagines himself clubbing the other dudes to death with it.

I told him, Look, Larry, you don’t need to feel embarrassed, I really don’t care if you can’t get hard-ons anymore, I mean it’s nothing to be ashamed of at your age, and most other guys in their eighties would love to have your problems, right? He’s like, Dude just take the stuff and then make up your mind, okay? And by the way when did you get all this sand in your crack about experimenting with new drugs? Better living through chemicals, isn’t that your motto? Or was that some other Steve Jobs that I used to hang out with?

So fair enough. I took a few of his boner pills home with me. But I’m kind of afraid to take them. Maybe I’ll start by taking half a pill and see what happens. More as this develops. (Art by Acid Gurl. Much love, baby.)