Q. Dear Zack de la Rocha,
My boyfriend wants an MP3 player for Christmas, but I don’t know what kind to get him. I went to an Apple retail store but there are so many models and I just got confused by the lists of features and specifications. Does he need video? What’s a gigabyte? I have no idea. Then there’s the Zune. And then a zillion other brands like Sandisk. I went to Circuit City and they were no help at all. My boyfriend is a huge fan of yours so whatever you recommend would be cool. Can you offer some advice?
Jennifer in Akron
A. Oh, hell no, motherfucker! You did not just ask me that! Did you? For real? I mean after four hundred years of slavery and with people of color being twenty-nine times as likely as white people to go to prison in this country and with a fascist born-again Christian theocracy in power and robbing us of what few rights we still have, this is what you’re worried about? A motherfucking MP3 player for your motherfucking boyfriend? Are you shitting me, little Jennifer from Akron? What’s that? You think I’m angry? You think I got issues? Damn right I’ve got issues. And damn right I’m angry. We all gotta get angry!. Way I see it there ain’t enough of us angry! But oh we are getting there, yes indeed, we are getting angry, brothers and sisters. There is some angry motherfuckers out here tonight!
And so little Jennifer from Akron goes walking into some motherfucking mall and goes into an Apple store and then she goes to Circuit City and you wonder why they can’t help you? I got news for ya Jennifer, it’s not that they can’t help you. It’s that they won‘t help you. Any why not? They’re not out there trying to help you, they’re out there trying to control you! They want to own your motherfucking mind with their DRM and the rights restrictions! Soon as you walk into that store they’re controlling you. You’re doing what they told you! Do you not see that? Are you motherfucking blind, motherfucker?
These Apple stores are nothing but shiny white yuppie prisons! And Circuit City? These big box stores, these capitalist prisons, these Wal-Marts and Best Buys and Circuit Citys, exploiting their workers, we can’t be shopping in there! We gots to be burning these motherfuckers to the ground! Can you dig it? Can you feel me on this? I mean this is war, people. And we are not the ones with the billy clubs and the mace and the tear gas and the shotguns and the German shepherds! We’re just out there with our voices and the truth and our anarchy, because that’s the only weapons we got to disrupt these motherfuckers, and that’s the only weapons we need! It’s war, motherfuckers! I mean Amadou Diallo, right? Brother took four hundred and fourteen bullets in his body from corrupt fascist pigs, and what happens? The pigs all got medals! Not a single damn one in jail! It’s time to step up, Jennifer from Akron. Step up and get angry!
However, to answer your question, I’d say your choice of music player depends a lot on how your boyfriend intends to use the product. If it’s important to him to carry his complete collection in one device, I’d recommend the 160-gigabye iPod Classic from Apple. If he doesn’t mind carrying only part of his collection I’d highly recommend the iPod Touch, also from Apple. It only holds 16 gigabytes but the touch interface is really amazing. Hope that helps.
[This is what we hope will be the first in an occasional series where celebrities offer real-world advice to FSJ readers. Folks, please send in any questions you'd like to ask, and which celebrity you'd like to answer your question. We'll see what we can do.]