Wow. What a year, huh? Pretty damn amazing. Mac sales are booming. We’re gaining market share. We’ve created a new OS, Leopard, that totally rocks. Our new iPods are light years ahead of the competition. And, of course, there was iPhone — a device that has utterly transformed the world. We’ve dented the universe, folks. We’ve changed the course of history. Not bad for a bunch of hippies from Cupertino, right? Now I know that Thanksgiving has some nasty overtones for some people — please, no comments about smallpox-infested blankets, okay? — but I’d like us all to focus on the good side of the holiday and use this day to remember all the things we’re thankful for. In our case, as the people who create and use Apple products, we have more to be thankful for than almost anyone on earth.
Personally, I’m very grateful that Fortune magazine has spiked a big hatchet job article that their financial whiz reporter, Peter “Mr. Enron” Elkind, was working on where he was trying to prove that I should be in jail because of the options backdating. Or something like that. No guff, kids. The guy spent months working on this and talking to everyone in the Valley. Katie was tracking his every move and listening to tapes of most of his phone conversations. He figured this was his next big scoop — call it “Enron II: Return of the Smartest Guys in the Room” — and he’d take me down hard then get a book deal and a movie out of it. Only, um, he couldn’t put the puck in the net. So his editors killed it. Which was a smart move on their part because they’d never get an interview with El Jobso ever again. They still might not, just out of spite.
Because don’t think we haven’t noticed the way my former concubine Brent Schlender has totally turned on me, doing hit jobs on the Apple TV and now on iPhone, which he alleges is having problems, though none of us at Apple have heard of any, which is kind of weird, isn’t it? His attack piece comes complete with scary Dave Winer-esque caricature of me (right). I mean look at that cartoon. I assure you I have never had that expression on my face, ever, not in my entire life. Can’t you just tell how those poor filthy hacks at Fortune are just seething because they can’t nail me? Seethe away, losers. You’ll never catch El Jobso. Neither will the feds. Maybe you hadn’t noticed but I happen to have Al Gore on my board of directors. Have you heard of him? He’s got a few friends in Washington.
But I digress. I was talking about giving thanks. Apple faithful, I know you’re thankful because you’re living on this planet at the same time I am. I appreciate your gratitude. I really do. Keep sending your love. It fuels me.
Apple employees, I know you’re thankful for having the incredible opportunity to be working at Apple during its golden era, aka The Reign of Splendor under Good King Steven. I know you’re grateful to me for coming up with such briliant product ideas and letting you work on them. How sweet is that, right? How awesome is it that sometimes you come to work and for one reason or another you’re walking across campus and you get to actually see me? Amazing, right? A few of you have even been blessed by having me speak to you. Then you rushed back to your cubicle and told all your coworkers. Maybe you blogged about it. Or you raced home and wrote it down so you can tell your grandchildren about the day I spoke to you and just like that, cured your polio.
Finally, to everyone at Apple, I know you want to thank me by giving me a raise. There’s been lots of talk about it lately. I’ve been holding off because I’m just not into money, not at all. But I know it means a lot to you and you really want me to be paid more and so I promise you that I will take you up on that very soon.
Now I have to go and get working on the tofurkey. Bono is coming over, plus Larry and guest. Al Gore is shooting down from the St. Regis and maybe bringing Tipper (depends if they’ve worked things out; they’re fighting again). Also we’ll have a few other hangers-on. We’ll have dinner in the early afternoon, followed by some digestion yoga and group meditation. Peyote buds are available for anyone who wants to hang around and stay the night. I’ll have a full report tomorrow. Until then, much love. Namaste. Peace out.