My book has become a frigtard litmus test

Honestly, it’s kind of amazing. Hardcore high-end reviewers love it and get what it’s about while morons struggle to comprehend it and are puzzled because it doesn’t resemble
the three other books they’ve read in their lives, most likely A Separate Peace, The Old Man and the Sea, and The Da Vinci Code. They want more plot (dude, it’s called a picaresque, have you heard of it?) and they want the main character to be “likeable” (groan).

Liesl Schillinger in the New York Times raves about it. Entertainment Weekly compares it to Bonfire of the Vanities and gives it an A- grade. goes crazy and compares it to Voltaire and Jonathan Swift. Wall Street Journal says it’s the greatest work of fiction since the Bible (or words to that effect).

But now along comes some frigtard named Will Harper writing this basically negative review in the highly esteemed SF Weekly. I mean come on. SF fucking Weekly? That’s the one with the really dirty personal ads in back, right? “Thick as a beer can, with two low hangers, seeks twink for hook-up.” Stuff like that. Well, I’m very bummed out that I couldn’t live up to their high expectations. But just for fun, check out this bonehead Will Harper’s bio with his “I’m so cool, I studied art in college” photograph. Money quote: “I graduated from SF State in 1992 as an art major; I sucked at art, so I became a reporter.” Hate to break it to you, dude, but you suck at being a reporter, too. Little hint: That’s why you’re still working at SF Weekly.

Or check out this incredibly stupid and naive negative review by one Sam “I’m so smart, I went to Reed” Gustin from (the Web edition of Conde Nast’s vapid and rapidly self-destructing business magazine). Sam, who also happens to have a master’s degree in journalism (so there!), felt my book didn’t meet his very high literary standards either. Boo friggin hoo.

Well, enough of my yakkin, as Marty DiBergi once said. To all of you small-dicked, super-jealous filthy hacks and haters, let me just say this: Negative people upset me. I will pray for your soul. Like this: Siooma. See? It’s a special prayer, just for you.

Oh, and one more thing. Sam Gustin and Will Harper, please make sure you pick up this Sunday’s New York Times Book Review. It’s a pretty well-known publication where they write about books. Have you heard of it? Please check out what they have to say about my book, and then prepare to choke on your brunch, you losers. Seriously, I can’t wait. You are so totally pwned that it’s not even funny.