Look, I gave them a chance. I called each one of the big guys, personally. I flattered them. I told them they were artists and that artists need to work and that the only thing that matters is the work and all the rest will take care of itself. They went on and on about all this leftie stuff about solidarity. Which is fine and all. I’m an old leftie myself but in this case we’re talking about something that’s bigger than politics and sentimentality. We’re talking about money. Lots of it. Do you have any idea how much we’re going to lose if these a-holes put our productions on hold for months on end? Jesus.
So I tried the one thing that has never failed me in any circumstance, ever: I offered them huge amounts of money. I mean like millions. Just to work under fake names, at home in their spare time. Nobody would know. They still balked. So fine. That’s when I realized I can write the movies myself. No problem. I may even do some of ABC’s TV shows. One thing about Jobso: When I’m in the zone, I can work really friggin fast.
Then, just to be a dick, I called security and had them clean out every office and throw out everything in them — photographs, personal items, everything. Into the trash. Then I called every last one of those writers and I told them don’t even bother coming back when the strike is over because your jobs are gone. They said that’s some kind of legal violation because California law says unionized workers can’t be fired. I was like, Dude, I’m sorry, but trust me, you can sue me till your balls fall off, but you will never walk through those doors again. If you try to, I will shoot you myself. I will do my best to make sure no one else ever hires you either. So go have fun on your Thanksgiving trip, and enjoy your holidays in December, and then when you get back in January and there’s still no work and then it’s February and you need to pay your mortgage and your kid’s college tuition bill arrives, well, don’t come crawling back to me with your hat in your hands because trust me, Sparky, I will take a dump in that hat of yours and put it right back on your head and tell you it’s a new shampoo and conditioner. Wait and see. I’ll do it.
After that I rounded up any producers and hyphenates and admins who were sympathizers to the strike and I fired them too. You assholes want to play hardball? You picked the wrong guy, believe me.