His Holiness Saint Paul of Clontarf just emailed me this article where some bigshot African AIDS dude says that not only have Bono and Bob Geldof not helped Africa, in fact they’ve made things worse there. Next thing I know I’ve got Mr. Hewson himself on the phone screaming obscenities. I’m like, Dude, it’s an article from the NME. That’s a music magazine right? Who cares what they say? It’s like getting a bad review from CNET. I mean it’s not exactly the New York Times is it.
Bono says, “You don’t understand, Steve. In some circles, including the world of overhyped celebrity charity concerts for causes like hunger and debt relief and global warming, NME is the bible, man. The fookin bible. Way bigger than Rolling Stone even. These guys can make you or destroy you. Do you realize how much of U2′s success depends on these concerts? Think about it. How else are a bunch of middle-aged Irish guys going to keep selling out venues? The entire nostalgia rock circuit depends on these causes. And thanks to you and your iTunes the price of music itself is being driven down to zero, so the only way we can make money is by touring. Jaysus, Steve, think, would ya? The NME is huge. You know what happens if you show up at one of these fookin mega-gigs, with the TV networks from all over the world, and the NME says your set was `uninspired’ or `lacking emotion’? Do you have any fookin idea? Jaysus. Happened to Richard Ashcroft after he fucked up a song at Live 8.”
I’m like, Richard who?
He’s like, “Exactly. He’s never been heard from again. Oh, trust me. This is bad, man. Hugely fookin bad. I’ve got to call Geldof and see what he thinks. I’m thinking we’ve got to get out ahead of this. We need a new cause. A new concert. Something fookin huge and scary. Like, I dunno, maybe war. Right? War. Nobody likes it, yet we keep on having it. Why? We’ve got to stop all the wars right now, man. We’ll bring everyone together. We’ll do the concerts in Baghdad, and Tehran, and North Korea, and Washington and London. Oh man. I gotta go.”