Larry’s latest venture


Lot of people don’t realize this, but Larry’s not-so-secret dream is to be a television or movie star. So right now he’s shooting a reality TV show. It’s kind of a cross between “Flavor of Love” and “The Apprentice” and “The Bachelor.” He’s got thirty really hot girls living in this big house in Atherton, and every inch of the place is rigged with hidden cameras and microphones. He puts them through all sorts of weird competitions to winnow down the group and the winner eventually gets to work for Larry for a year as his “personal assistant.” Ahem.

The competitions are things like washing Larry’s cars while wearing sexy outfits, or posing on the nose of Larry’s jet in sexy outfits, or climbing rope ladders on Larry’s yacht whille wearing sexy outfits, or sucking golf balls through garden hoses while wearing sexy outfits, or French kissing other girls while wearing sexy outfits … you get the idea. Last week was something Larry called “the thong competition.” No idea what it was, and I don’t want to know.

But here’s the twist: Larry has shopped this show to every broadcast and cable network and they’ve all turned it down. Even the networks in Asia won’t take it, and they take everything. Production companies passed too. Mark Burnett took a meeting and listened for about two minutes and said, “I’m sorry, but is this one of Ashton Kutcher’s pranks? Where are the cameras? Where’s Ashton?”

But the thing is, once Larry gets some crazy idea in his head, there’s no talking him out of it. (Remember his network computer company? Or the Siebel acquisition?) So even though nobody will ever broadcast this show, Larry plowed ahead and funded it himself. Hired a director and a crew — the ones who did the original Ozzy Osbourne show, in fact — and bought them all new equipment, everything they need. Huge budget. He says he doesn’t care if it ever gets on TV, he’s having fun and that’s all that matters. And he can have them edit it into a show and he’ll save it and watch it when he’s old and creepy like Hugh Heffner. I’m like, “Dude, you’re already old and creepy, didn’t you know that?”

But the real twist gets even twistier — the girls on the show don’t know that there is not going to be a show. They’ve all been told they’re going to be on NBC next year in the big hit show of the season. Larry even brings in actors to play NBC executives and talk to the girls and get them to sign waivers and all sorts of other crazy bullshit. Most of them gave up jobs to pursue this opportunity, and fair enough, as Larry points out, working at Hooters isn’t exactly a career, but still, I personally think there’s something a tad distasteful about misleading people like this.

Larry says that’s going to be the big ending. When he gets down to the final two, and then chooses the winner, then he’s going to bring all of the original thirty girls back onto the set and tell them all that there’s not going to be any show. I suggested he could cover his ass by telling them that NBC just backed out at the last minute after viewing the footage, and how he was terribly disappointed and so forth. Larry says no, quite the opposite. He’s going to tell them the truth, that he was lying to them all along and totally betrayed them. Then he’ll see how they react. The ones who get angry can leave. The ones who don’t complain get to stay and become Oracle executives.

The thing about Larry is, He’s evil, but he knows how to spot talent.