See a story called “Worm in the Apple” here. Some dude at Forbes picks up on a customer satisfaction survey that shows us slipping a few points since last year and goes running around like Chicken Little saying the sky is falling. Apple faithful, look. We’ve got a lot of noobs coming into the fold, and they need some extra handholding. Bokay? Happens when you’re growing three times faster than the industry. And, yeah, iPhone is also creating some demand for support and it’s not always stuff we can control since one hundred percent of the problems are created by AT&T. Rest assured we have already come up with a plan to address this — a massive new ad campaign called “Support” which will depict our Apple geniuses and Apple phone support weenies dancing around in silhouette while answering calls and dealing with frigtarded customers and generally seeming way cooler than you or anyone else ever will be. These people will look so cool, and our whole support experience will seem so fun, that you’ll want your Apple device to break just so you can deal with our support infrastructure.
Then at the end we’ll have one simple statement, like, “Apple’s support has been rated #1 in the world.” Or, “Apple offers more support and a longer warranty than any other company in the world.” Are those statements true? If you mean literally true, well, no. But figuratively they are true. And the thing about tech support, in case you haven’t noticed, is that it’s entirely a matter of perception. And surveys. No hard data. Just opinions. By next year we’ll have the highest customer sat ratings these survey dudes have ever seen. Wait and see. Because we take customer service incredibly seriously here and it is our number one priority across our company and we are committed to providing the best user experience possible. As fantastic as we are, we can always do better, and we will. (ITAR-TASS photo by Dima Yobtvoyumat.)