I’m back from the Zen center and feeling great. To be honest they actually asked me to leave early after they caught me taking pictures and surfing the Web and doing email on my iPhone. And there were some allegations of cannabis use though no evidence was found. The two grimbos on the right (who believe me are even less fun than they look here) turned me in to the Goddess lady in white, who in turn ratted me out to the big kahuna in the main temple. Fair enough. I respect the place enough to know I was out of line. I zipped out this morning, caught a high colonic with my technician, Kuso Sukatoro, and will spend the evening rehearsing my speech — which, unlike Mr. Bill, I actually wrote myself, with paper and pen, without the assistance of a team of writers and editors and focus group testers. Jesus. I keep thinking about that story in the Journal about how Bill prepared his Harvard speech. It just strikes me as so symbolically perfect for how Bill operates and for what ails all of Microsoft. I mean, it’s a commencement address. You’re asked to speak to a group of graduates about your life, your hopes, your dreams. You try to speak from the heart, to be honest and candid and frank. You try to inspire them. How else can you write this speech but alone? Bill turns it over to a team that slices and dices and iterates. Then he wonders why nobody finds it inspiring. It’s the same with Microsoft products. There’s no artistry, no individuality, no passion. Everything they do is a cluster fuck, and it shows. Like the famous ad parody about “If Microsoft made the iPod.” That was funny because it was true.
Anyway. Apple faithful, we are now in the last hours. I hope you will spend the remaining time in quiet contemplation and ritual self-cleansing. If you can’t afford a professional high colonic (though they are widely available and relatively inexpensive in San Francisco) then at least go to the store and get a personal cleansing product and use it in your hotel room. Drink some green tea and go to bed early. Arrive early, wear comfortable clothes, and prepare to have your mind blown. Because this one is going to be the most awesome WWDC we’ve ever had. Seriously.