Dear Free Software Foundation:
A friggin jester’s hat? That’s it? That’s the best you can do? If I don’t cave in to your demands, you’re going to mail me a jester’s hat? Tell you what. Send me five. I’ll take a dump in each one and mail them back to you by overnight mail, still steaming.
Look, Manson Family, here’s the problem. You’ve got no leverage. You don’t actually buy anything in the first place, so you can’t threaten a boycott. And if you really think shaming me is gonna work, well, I guess you haven’t read any of the unauthorized biographies about the old Jobsmeister.
One thing I do know about you, after looking at your leadership page. As far as I can tell it’s a bunch of losers from MIT plus a couple of nutso lawyers like Larry Lessig — in other words, people who have never created a piece of commercial software or written a hit song in their lives. So, um, no wonder you want everyone else to give you their stuff free.
Let’s face it. You’re losers. And thieves. You can’t make anything decent on your own, so instead you demand that those of us who do have talent should give you our work for free. All this hoo-ha about “freedom” and protecting people’s rights? Come on. Tell Eben Moglen and Larry Lessig to sit down and create an album as good as “Abbey Road” and give it away free. Then we can talk. Or this: All of you guys start working for zero money. Send me your IRS forms showing a complete year of zero income, and maybe you’ll have some street cred.
Now here’s my demand. I don’t want to wait until April 1 for the hat. I want five hats, and I want them now. Today. I’m asking all my readers to pressure you to do this by sending email to your executive director, Peter T. Brown (firstname.lastname@example.org), under the subject line, SEND STEVE HIS FIVE HATS NOW!
Unless you comply, my readers will take art work from your FSF websites to exercise their free speech and create parodies (under the Fair Use doctrine which you cherish so greatly) such as the following: Richard Stallman with a Charlie Manson swastika on his forehead; Richard Stallman’s head on the body of Hitler and/or Stalin; Peter Brown in a French maid’s costume. You get the idea.
You want war, assholes? I’ll give you war. You think you’re bad-ass? Have you ever dealt with the Apple faithful? Just wait till you feel the full force of their wrath and fury. They’re like Bruce friggin Lee on crack. Times a zillion.
And don’t even think about trying to take legal action, cause I’ll have the Electronic Frontier Foundation up your asses so fast and so hard they’ll shoot out through the top of your little pointy heads. Also, if you’re thinking of sending one of your ninjas to visit me, let me warn you: I’m a 10th-degree T’ai Chi master, and I will rip his friggin lungs out.
Send me those hats, frigtards. You know the address. I’m in the phone book. 1 Infinite Loop, Cupertino CA.