This morning’s unauthorized Journal story

Maybe you’ve seen this morning’s A1 story in the Wall Street Journal which by the way we did not authorize and will not link to. It’s a paid site anyway and I’m totally against that. Gist is that I was a total hard-ass with the frigtards at Cingular and drove some really hard deal or whatever. We are working very hard right now to find out who leaked to the press on this. When we find out those people will join the illustrious ranks of ex-Apple employees. But just for your information, the story doesn’t get halfway into what a total dick I was to those guys. The whole point of being all secretive like we are is that so people are dying to meet us. And they think we must possess some secret power or something because nobody knows anything about our company. They feel like Martin Sheen when he finally gets to meet Brando in Apocalypse Now. And I totally do the Brando thing. I insult them. I speak in a very low voice. I speak in riddles. I remind them that I could have them all killed right now, right here in this room. At that point they’re just willing to buy anything I say. Plus, I throw in some NLP trigger words and hypnosis techniques. Works like a charm. Sigman at Cingular went under in about 30 seconds first time I met him. Eyes rolled right up in his head. Next thing I know he’s chanting, “We are a commodity. You are the value. We are a commodity. You are the value.” Verizon guys were much more difficult. They’re kind of the cell phone version of us; they really think they’re the shizzle. Frankly, all the phone carrier guys are basically cretins. It’s just a matter of finding out which one will be the most submissive, then hauling out the hood and dog collar.