Here’s to you, Terry Garnett, O master of revenge! O skillful manipulator of the press!

So Larry Ellison calls and he’s howling laughing, so hard he’s almost choking. And he goes, Oh sweet mother of Allah, oh my God, Steve, have you seen the new BusinessWeek? They’ve got this big cover story about revenge, and it starts off with this stuff about Terry Garnett — remember him? used to get my coffee at Oracle, many moons ago, and carry my luggage at the airport? — and he’s saying how he hates me for firing him and he wants to get revenge on me and that’s why he bought Ingres, the big scary database company that he thinks is going to kill Oracle.

But here’s the kicker. The same day this story appears, two of the key guys at Ingres just walked out — Dave Dargo, the CTO, and Jim Finn, the head of communications. Better yet, they left bitching about the CEO that Garnett brought in last year, and, in a whisper, hinting that Ingres is, um, what’s the word for it? Oh, that’s right. Fucked.

I love it. I mean put aside how stupid BusinessWeek looks (because what’s new there, right?) but so much for Terry and his big revenge scheme right? I have no idea how much Terry spent to buy this dog, but apparently he forgot that Oracle already killed this company once before. Now he’s brought in 300 employees, and half of them appear to be senior vice president of something or other, and they’re all making top dollar and doing stuff like biz dev and strategery and visioneering and planning and partnering and marketeering.

Everything is swell except for one small thing — they ain’t selling any software. How can they? All the bigshots are running around in the fancy HQ in Redwood City planning to hold some planning meetings at which they can do this year’s planning for the five-year plan. They’re all drawing elaborate schemes on white boards and making up wonderfully beautiful PowerPoint presentations and plotting world domination instead of putting their feet on the street, or at least hitting the phones. They’re all ex-Oracle people and they’re all the lazy bastards who were underperforming. That’s why we let them go. It’s like when Castro emptied his jails. Poor old Terry. Donk! Another baseball bat to the head.

Steve, honestly, these guys make it too easy for me. I’m sitting here trying to work up a full-page ad that we can use to make fun of them. What should we call them? Ingrates? Angres? And here’s their slogan: “Ingres — fueled by hate.” Ha! Our entire sales force is getting copies of this BusinessWeek article to carry with them on sales calls, in case anyone mentions Ingres. Our response? Sure, that’s a great choice. Buy software from Ingres, and you can let Captain Ahab use your data center to act out his penis envy revenge fantasies. Riiight. Great move on your part, Mr. IT Customer.

By the way, what are you doing this weekend? Wanna do some Rat Patrol? We’ll get T.J. Rodgers and drive up to the Tenderloin and blast some trannies with water cannons. Extra points if you blow their wigs off. Okay? You in? You are? I love you man.