So you shoulda heard all the little nancy boys at Disney whinging when we first decided to handle “Apocalypto.” Oh, it’s so violent, they said, and can we really put this out under the Disney brand, and it’s not even in English, and blah blah blah. Then came Mel’s meltdown and everybody freaked out all over again. Well, here come the reviews and let me tell you, this thing is gonna be a friggin huge smash hit. Money quote:
Indeed, “Apocalypto” is the most violent movie Disney has ever released, with so much blood spurting out of orifices that even Martin Scorsese would blush.
… two-hour plus torture-fest so violent that women and children will be headed to the doors faster than you can say “duck.”
If you’ve ever wondered what it would be like to see heads and hearts removed without anesthesia, then this is the movie for you.
I know, I know. They think this is a negative review. But let me ask you something. Have you ever seen the way teenage boys react to phrases like “two-hour torture fest” and “heads and hearts removed without anesthesia”? Well, we have. We’ve focus-grouped it. They flip out. Friggin saliva starts drooling out of their mouths. So thanks, Fox, for the “negative” review. Now every little Beavis and Butthead in America is gonna be sneaking out to go see this thing over and over again. And it’s not just teenage boys. Because come on — who doesn’t wonder what it’s like to see heads and hearts removed without anesthesia? (Okay, Bill Gates doesn’t wonder, but only because he’s already paid to see it done.) Plus, we’re marketing this movie to the born-agains, telling them that if they really love Jesus they need to see this film. We’re doing showings in church halls. Amazing, overwhelming response.
I know what’s coming next. Some nitwit on TV is gonna start complaining about how Disney shouldn’t be handling this kind of material. Well, Mr. Rogers, or Mr. O’Reilly, let me tell you something right up front. This isn’t your old man’s Disney anymore. We’re not just about little elves and Cinderella and Bambi whatever. It’s a new era. We’re evolving like everyone else. Carpe the friggin pecuniam, as they say in ancient Mayan.