Cause for concern?

I’m sure this has happened to you. You get on a plane and look over and there’s some little granny with elastic waist pants and big clunky shoes thinking she’s all cool cause she’s putting on her white iPod earbuds. Or you’re walking around some park and you see Mrs. Creosote here with her little pink iPod purse and some unidentified piece of her body hanging out of her dress. And suddenly you feel, well, a little less … special. And you quickly take off your earbuds and stow your iPod away because you don’t want to belong to the same club as these people.

Well, at Apple we’re totally aware of this. Our marketing gurus are starting to get a little bit worried by the growing number of old and/or ugly and/or fat and/or badly dressed and/or just generally unattractive frigtards who are being spotted in public wearing iPods. Kinda frigs up our marketing message right? We’re promoting iPods as the coolest accessory for slender, attractive, silhouette-type people, often of color, who want to think they are different and, yes, better than other people.

Not sure how we’re going to handle this. But this kind of thing can really be potentially devastating to a brand. Ask the poor bastards at Helly Hansen, whose stuff became super popular ghetto wear. Or Burberry, which is now the official clothing of chavs.

One strategy is to just move upstream and create some new better-looking music player that costs maybe twice as much as a regular iPod, and leave the regular iPods to the frigtards. We’re also thinking about a new training program for people in our Apple stores, with tips for how to spot uglies and steer them to the Zune. Because I swear to you, whoever sold an iPod to Big Mama Front Butt here is soooo fired, and I totally mean that. I just threw up in my mouth from looking at her.

By the way, you may have noticed that our retail employees are all decently slender and decently attractive. This does not happen by accident. We have rules. We screen out uglies. Against the law? Sure, but just try and catch us. It’s been my rule from the start. No fatties. No uglies. Just smug, stupid people who make fun of you if you have a question, and then can’t answer it.

Friends, be assured, we’re keeping your interests in mind and we are working very hard at finding ways to get the uglies out of our exclusive club. I’ll keep you informed. Peace out.