Don’t get me wrong. I’m still in love with Bike Helmet Girl and she’ll always be my Number One. But I’m sending out much love to reader Joeyjoseph who sent in this link to our new favorite Yelptard, a hot Asian chick who calls herself Scarlet but is considering changing her Yelp name to Anne, Charlotte, Madeleine or Marianne. Check out her reviews which are almost entirely nasty. She’s also a bit obsessed with sex, especially butt sex. And she’s mightily impressed with her own intellectual abilities, as displayed on her ridiculously pretentious blog “Sartre & Heidegger.” (I’m not kidding, that’s really the name.) Some must-read entries include this one about her dream jobs which include wrapping gifts, decorating cakes, running a sex shop and writing for The New Yorker. (Ahem.)
Folks, welcome to the Bay Area. It’s crawling with people like this. Frigtards who think they’re “intellectuals” and spend a lot of time in cafes “journaling” and figure they can get back at their parents by having butt sex. That’s why I love it here. Honestly.
By the way the runner-up in Yelptard of the month award goes to Scarlet’s pal Stormi C, whose review page gives high marks to “Yelp booty” and would lead you to believe that Yelptards do nothing but go to parties, get drunk, and have low-IQ group sex with other pretentious strangers. No wonder Yelp is doing so well! Check out such nuggets as this description of a recent Yelp party:
As usual, Todd E. expertly picked a venue for us yelpers to engage in utter debauchery. As usual, I did my part to contribute to said debauchery. As usual, my little chocolate hands engaged in yet another episode of grab ass with my fellow yelpers, increasing said debauchery ten fold! As usual, I have a problem with the drink! I blame the Pineapple Martinis and Ketel One Lemonades at this place. My addictive personality could not resist them.
This ebony sistah also appears to do some modeling. Check it out here. In fact a pal of mine who’s a doc at UCSF Medical Center says they’re treating so many Yelptards that the hospital’s STD clinic now posts alerts around upcoming Yelp events and puts extra docs on duty on days following these parties. They’re also coming up with new names for certain diseases to use on patient charts, eg, “Yelpamydia” and “Genital Yelps.” Much love, kids!