My lunch with Nancy Pelosi

Okay, so I can’t say much. But here’s the skinny. One day last week I pick up the phone and I hear Gore’s frigtard Southern voice and I’m 90% tempted to do that thing where you pretend you’re the voice mail system, and say, “Sorry but I’m either away from my desk or on the other line, but if you leave a message I’ll call you right back.” Instead, like a bonehead, I go, Hey Al, what’s up. And he says he wants me to come meet Nancy Pelosi because she’s going to be the next speaker of the House and that’s a very important job and it would be in my interest and Apple’s interest to be on good terms with her. Not sure exactly what this means but I guess he’s hinting about the SEC investigation and maybe she can pull our bacon out of the fire or whatever. So I go. And let me tell you, I can see why they keep this dame under wraps. Wacky as a dime watch.

We meet in this Thai restaurant in Los Gatos. Out back, private room. Table set with knives and forks. She tries to be all cool and hip-to-the-ethnicity-thang and asks for chopsticks. Waiter gives her this funny look but brings her back chopsticks, kinda laughing at her. And he offers them to us, too, like, Here you go, stupid white people. Al takes his, all proud of himself, but I tell the guy, in Thai, (which yes I happen to speak), No thank you, I’ll use a knife and fork, I’m not a frigtard like my companions. Waiter cracks the frig up, I mean like doubles over. Pelosi’s kind of taken aback so I tell her, Um, actually, Thai people don’t use chopsticks. They eat with knives and forks. She goes, really? I go, Yup. No matter, she’s sticking with her chopsticks. Then she asks the dude if they’ve got sushi. He kind of groans. Finally I just order for the table and when the food comes, sure enough, she goes ahead and eats her pad thai with friggin chopsticks, like a frigtard, and Al does the same, though he clearly has no friggin idea how to use them and looks like someone trying to eat a hot dog with a pair of baseball bats.

And all the while Pelosi is going on about whatever crazy friggin ideas she’s gonna push through when she becomes leader of the free world or whatever, like redoing the United Nations and putting a five-dollar tax on gas and opening up diplomatic relations with France and inviting Putin to go skiing at Aspen. And apparently there’s some hassle with the North Koreans, which I didn’t know about but whatever, and something about Iran. And she’s gonna give Saddam Hussein clemency and then she’s on to Area 51 and Roswell and the Kennedy assassination and Bush’s grandfather doing business with Nazis and blah blah blah.

The whole time I’m just sitting there thinking about the menu software on our new iPhone and all the friggin emails that are gonna be waiting for me when I finally escape from this lunch. The ultimate low part was when the waiter brings the bill and she asks him if they have karaoke at this restaurant, because she just loves karaoke and thinks it’s so cool that all Asians like to sing along to music like that, why she just had the best time singing “Wind Underneath My Wings” (yep that’s what she called it) at a Japanese restaurant once. Waiter goes, This Thai restaurant, not Japanese. She goes, Oh I know, but don’t you do karaoke?

Afterward we’re riding home in the limo and Gore goes, Hey, wasn’t that great? How’d you like Nancy? Isn’t she just brilliant? And I’m thinking, Dude, Nancy couldn’t get promoted to be a vice president at Apple, and if by some accident she did, she’d be fired in a week. I mean, that lame. Really. And these are the people running our country. Don’t get me wrong. I’m a liberal. I vote for Democrats. But I just get really bummed out when I have to actually spend time with any of them.

Then again, what do you expect when you run your government like it’s one big popularity contest? Can you imagine if companies chose their top executives just by having employees vote? You’d have Billy Bob the forklift operator running sales in EMEA, and Shirley from the cafeteria running marketing. I mean seriously. Can you imagine if companies were run like our government? Can you imagine a world where someone with no experience in finance, business or engineering could become CEO of a huge publicly traded corporation just because they’re charismatic, look good on stage and know how to stab people in the back? It makes me shiver when I think about it. Thank God Apple is a meritocracy, that’s all I’m gonna say.