Graef Crystal? Is that even a real name? Are you kidding me?

Just trying to keep up with the convoluted math in this Bloomberg story makes my head spin. The guy leaps through more hoops than one of Siegfried and Roy’s white tigers. Take the value of some old options, subtract the price on the day they were granted, add in the cost of buying a new Black-Scholes [who they? ed.] private jet, time-travel forward and multiply by the difference between the rate of inflation and the average home mortgage interest rate over the trailing five-year period … and somehow it turns out I’ve been overpaid. Please. Dude, I’m worth every friggin penny, and more. You know it. The shareholders know. The friggin SEC dudes know it too. We were in a meeting with those douchebags yesterday and one of them whips out a MacBook. I’m like, Say, you like that laptop? He goes, Oh yeah, I love it, it’s great. I go, Well then leave me the frig alone, a-hole, or there won’t be any more of them! Christ, if it weren’t for me, Apple would be a division of Dell now. Or Sun. I don’t know which is worse.

As for “Graef Crystal,” or whatever your real name is, you can bite me. (My theory is that Graef Crystal is a pen name for Alvy Ray Smith. But it’s just a theory. I’m thinking about sending a subpoena to Bloomberg to find out.)