Et tu, Tim Cook?

If you haven’t seen the story in today’s Journal (page B1) you should go check it out. Big profile of what a wonderful, smart, professional guy our COO Tim Cook is. And in case you don’t know what it means to have your company’s #2 guy glowingly profiled on B1 of the Monday Wall Street Journal, let me explain it to you: I’m toast.

This maneuver is classic Jerry York, using the press to tee up his new CEO. I just can’t believe Tim would stab me in the back and go along with it. I tried calling Tim. Got the machine. Tried Jerry. Suddenly he’s not taking my calls. I left him voice mail saying, Dude, I know this is your work, okay? I’ve seen you in operation, doing this very same thing to GM, remember?

You can tell it’s Jerry because with Jerry it’s always the Journal. Not the Times. Jerry hates the Times. But he’s got friends at the Journal. So he’ll have someone he knows put a bug in the ear of some editor at the Journal, who passes word to some other editor, and next thing you know it’s getting mentioned to a reporter. It’s all so smooth that this poor sap Wingfield who wrote the article probably believes he thought it up himself. (Way to go, Nick! You just got played. Go talk to your assignment editor and see if I’m right.) Basically, Jerry is the devil. I’ve always known that. I just thought that he was my devil. Wrong.

So read the story, and pay careful attention to the space between the lines. Or let me decrypt it for you:

Mr. Cook is the low-key operator making sure the company is running smoothly behind the scenes.

Read: He’s already running the place.

When Mr. Jobs was recovering two years ago from surgery for pancreatic cancer, he placed the company’s day-to-day operations in Mr. Cook’s hands.

Read: Don’t worry, he’s done it before, we’re fine without El Jobso.

Mr. Cook … is routinely solicited for CEO jobs.

Read: He’s chief executive material, and he’ll be great here.

He isn’t believed to have had a role in the backdating of stock-option grants.

Read: He’s clean, and ethical, unlike that SOB Steve Jobs.

Article even contains Tim’s entire resume and background, a few anecdotes about how old Tim straightened up our manufacturing processes, how everyone likes him and says he’s so smart and analytical and detail-oriented, and such a courtly Southern gentleman. (As opposed to you-know-who, described as having a “mercurial temper and sharp tongue.”)

Apple of course declines to comment. But the story is loaded up with a bunch of flattering quotes from Tim’s friends. You think those people spoke to the Journal without Tim’s permission? Please.

I give myself a month, tops. Probably less. Any day now the phone is gonna ring and it’ll be Jerry telling me we have a special board meeting. Next thing ya know I’ll be sipping Margaritas with Carly Fiorina and Scooter McNealy at their weekly “Ex-CEO Support Group” meetings at Bennigan’s in Santa Clara. Or maybe I can take up Segway Polo with Woz. Or spend some of my money and get myself shot up into space, like what’s her name. Frig me.

Memo to Apple board: Just remember what Apple looked like before I returned in glory, riding on the back of a donkey while people threw palm fronds on the road. And remember who you’re dealing with here. I’m Steve Jobs, people. I invented the friggin iPod, remember? Have you heard of it?

Well, whatever. Congratulations, Tim. I wish you the best. You backstabbing inbred Alabama frigtard.