Sorry, Greenpeace

But you made me do this. Larry Ellison and I went out on his yacht today and did some fishing. We were looking for dolphins but guess what, we got lucky. That’s me in the yellow slickers, admiring my catch. Beside me is Larry’s latest Asian squeeze, Ping-Mi Nao, a twelfth-grader at Sacred Heart Academy in Atherton. She’s been working as an intern at Oracle but next month will be named CEO of Larry’s new software-as-a-service startup.

Greenpeace, since you wanna play hardball, let’s play hardball. We’re gonna stuff this big fella with broken iMacs and iPods and Cinema Displays and drag him up the coast and drop him someplace where Eskimos go fishing. Just remember who you’re messing with. I’m friggin Steve Jobs, bitch. I invented the friggin iPod. Have you heard of it? Now I’ve asked you politely to take down the fake Apple site. You refused. So we are cranking up the freak switch and moving to Code Orange. My offer is this: One whale a day gets it until the site comes down. I’m warning you. My best friend owns the biggest yacht in the world. I’ve got lots of money, and lots of whaling spears. Don’t make me do this.