Friggin Branson, what a con man

So Gore calls me all excited and says, Steve, did you hear about this? Richard Branson just gave me three billion dollars to save the planet!

Then he goes on and on in his doofy Southern accent about how great and important this all is, what a valuable big symbolic statement Sir Richard is making and how maybe Apple should step up and do something big like this too. I told him, Al, ya know, I hate to break it to you, but this idea you’re gonna stop global warming is a crock of shit and we all know it. I mean what are you gonna do? Send guys into space to push the sun back a little bit from the earth so we don’t get so hot? Like that movie with Bruce Willis where they blow up an asteroid? Jesus. Even if you could do it, you’d need a little bit more than $3 billion to get that project off the ground, right? Besides that, everyone also knows that whatever money you skin outta these rich bastards isn’t going to offset global warming, it’s just gonna be used to help you run for office. Branson’s just trying to buy you off so you can help keep the FAA out of his hair with this Virgin Galactic thing and maybe push the DOT to bend some rules and push through his Virgin America plans.

But let me hit you with a cluestick, dude. First of all, Clinton’s got his paws on this and as usual he’s totally AMOG’ing you bigtime. He’s not gonna give the money to you, he’s gonna take a skim for himself so he can buy presents for whichever member of Danity Kane he happens to be banging this week, and the rest he’s gonna give to his wife, you dumb-ass. Second, um, did you actually listen to what Branson said yesterday? He said he’s pledging his profits. But have you ever looked at Branson’s books? Do you know if those companies are actually making any profit? Poor retard Al goes, Oh, yeah, Steve, they’re making a lot of profits, uh-huh, they really are. I’m like, Dude, Lesson #1 from Hollywood, which you should know by now, is nobody ever makes a profit, which is why you never take a cut of the profit, you take a cut of the gross. Idiot! You think Branson hasn’t already figured out a zillion ways to move money around his companies to show as little or as much profit as he wants to? Biggest hit movies of all time are still losing money, if you believe the movie studios, Al. Jesus. Think!

Also, I told him, Branson ain’t gonna donate any money. He said he’s gonna invest. So what does that mean, Al? Think quick, this is a pop quiz. It means he’ll put a few bucks into John Doerr’s greentech fund and make a 50x return on his money. And for this bit of “philanthropy” you idiots let him stand up there with his flowing fake blonde locks and look like a friggin hero. Goddammit, Al! Seriously. No wonder Bush kicked your ass in those debates, you’re as dumb as a bag of rocks.

Al goes, Steve, I actually did win that election, if you go back and count up all the votes. At which point I just lost it and started shouting at him, Al, you friggin lost! Okay? That’s why you’re not in the White House right now! Have you not noticed that? You friggin lost! So deal with it!

Then I felt bad cause he got all depressed and started mumbling about how I’m right and he’s never gonna be president after all and how was he ever so crazy to think he could run for president, and maybe he should just go start eating again and let himself get fat. Steve, it’s those voices in ma head, he says. Those voices. They’re back agin in ma head, Steve. Honey? Tipper? Honey, have you seen ma pills? Where are ma pills, honey?

You know what? We gotta get this guy off our board. I tried calling Jerry York but he’s not taking my calls.