Conspiracy fans, start your engines. Why is Dr. Evil leaving the Sun board? We all know that Dr. Evil is pissed at me for the recent remark about his “My Asshole” greentech company. So here’s how it goes. Squirrel Boy and Ponytail Man present the merger-with-Apple plan to the Sun board. Doerr says no way is he gonna be involved with El Jobso. Plus he thinks the whole idea is farkakte anyway, there’s no synergy. McNealy votes “nay” too and says it’s because I’ve been posting fake pix of him on my blog. He’s got them all printed out and hands them around. Like this one and this one and this one and this one.
And my personal favorite, this one from the Pebble Beach locker room.
Big Tooth Man says, I’m sorry, but no way am I gonna work with this guy. Rocky the Squirrel and Peacenik Ponytail Man say look, Steve’s been ripping us on his blog too, but we’ve got to put personal issues aside. Besides, the plan is to push Jobs out and make Schmidt the CEO of the combined company. McNealy says, Then who’s gonna run Google? Schmidt says Google will continue to be run by the Church of Scientology as it has been from the start. McNealy grabs Schwartz and pulls his shirt over his head, hockey-fight style, and then tries to swing Schwartz around by his ponytail. Schmidt jumps in like a referee and tells McNealy to sit down, because none of this would even be necessary if McNealy hadn’t spent 200 days a year on the golf course and the other 165 obsessing about Microsoft like some crazy Captain Queeg, he’s already had his chance and screwed it up, and nobody has ever forgiven him for driving out Zander, just look at Motorola since Zander took over and then look at Sun, enough said. Doerr slams his briefcase shut and says, “I quit and I’m leaving.”
The whole mess gets announced at the September 12 press conference. The “Showtime” thing is just a diversion. We’ll do all the announcements about new products and movie downloads and then at the end of my seven-hour presentation, just as I’m leaving the stage, I’m gonna say, “Oh, I almost forgot. There’s one more thing. We’re buying Sun.” McNealy bellows from the wings, “Merging. Merging with Sun.” Then he comes out and makes some lame jokes about how Microsoft and IBM both suck. Crowd goes wild. Scott leaves early to squeeze in 18 holes and pass out in a golf course locker room again.
Okay, Dvorak, there’s the ball, now run with it. Peace out.