And he bursts into my office and says, Buddy, I know what you need, we’re gonna do something radical, like in that movie where Stella gets her groove back. I’m like, Larry, if you’re saying I need to fly to Jamaica and get boned by a black dude who’s half my age, forget it. Been there, done that, and it doesn’t work. Remember the cube iMac? Larry goes, Huh? I tell him just forget it, I’m not doing it. Larry goes, Um, Steve, well, I, uh — wait. What did you just say? I’m like, Look, I’m not going there again, so forget it. He goes, Um, yeah. Okay. Well, look, I, um, that’s not what I meant. I was talking about you getting some punani, my brother. Some strange.
He goes, Because we’ve got this girl working in sales, I hired her myself, met her in a bar in L.A. and hired her on the spot, I think she’s like seventeen years old or something, dropped out of high school to work at Hooters. No lie. So I put her in sales. She’s been working for us for eight months and I’m pretty sure she still doesn’t even know what we make. I love it!
So I’ve been grooming her for myself, but you know what, I’m gonna give her to you instead. Seriously. I want you to have her. She’s perfect. Wears those low-rider pants with the thong sticking out. She’s dumb as a bag of hammers, with giant gozungas and an ass you can bounce quarters off of. I’ve actually done that. The quarter thing. I’ve been saving her up. Put her on a special diet and exercise routine, with daily yoga lessons so she can put her legs behind her head and a full Brazilian wax at all times — you know, the usual routine. I’ve got her down to about 8% body fat and I’ve just been keeping her in a holding pattern, letting her wait. You know like when you have this perfect bottle of wine but you want to save it for a special occasion? I was planning to bring her over after my next eye-lift. Feel like a kid again, all that. But anyway, I want you to have her. No, seriously. I want you to. I’ve had her totally checked out, full physical. No STDs, not even genital warts. Fresh as a daisy.
I was about to explain that I wasn’t interested when the phone rang and my assistant tells me there’s a delegation of Sony guys in the lobby. And Larry goes, You are shitting me! Oh, bud, you have to let me stay for this.