Jesus friggin Christ

Well it’s been a hell of a four days since the Sony hibachi battery fiasco. First thing I did was spend three hours shouting at the top of my lungs at the people in our supply chain group, who by the way are almost entirely useless and moronic, which is why they came to be in this division in the first place. I’m like, Bozos, do I have to do everything around here? Can I not trust you to do anything? Do I need to start overseeing every parts order and making sure we don’t put a check mark next to the “Flaming Battery” item on the Sony parts list? What the frig, people?

Well, there’s only one way to handle something like this, and it ain’t pretty but it is necessary. I gathered up all of their Apple ID badges and made them strip down to their underwear. Then I put all of them in prison stripes (see photo) and marched them through every building on campus, shouting, “Folks, I want you to see the idiots who have brought shame on our beloved company and made it impossible for anyone in Apple to get a Christmas bonus this year. Take a good look at them. This is what happens when you screw up. Let this image sear itself into your brain.”

Last stop was the HR department, where I handed over the badges to some personnel bimbo and said, Fire them all, no severance, and cancel whatever pay they’re owed. Some show-off lady who appeared to be some sort of leader of the trolls said something about a lawsuit. I was like, Please, please, please sue me, I’m begging you, I will enjoy destroying you so much, no seriously, I will take everything you own, your house, your car, everything. I’ll have your kids placed in foster homes. So please, please, let’s do this, really, I can’t friggin wait. Then some Mexican guy way down in back puts up his hand and I’m like, WHAT????? and he’s kind of cowering and stuttering and can’t talk, and I’m like Spit it out, Senor Speech Defect, and finally he manages to say that he doesn’t actually work at Apple, he works for the company that delivered the prison costumes. And I go, I don’t care, you’re fired too, your whole company is fired, we’re not paying for those costumes and we’re gonna tell your boss it’s your fault because you got here late. He says, B-b-b-b-b-b… and then started blubbering and crying. I almost felt better. Almost.