Honestly, I am so friggin sick of trying to play nice with the freaks at Greenpeace. God knows how much money I’ve dished to these extortionists over the years. They’re worse than Jesse Jackson. Now they’ve put out this report saying we don’t do enough for the environment. Better yet, they’re saying Dell is the greenest tech company. Dell? Have you ever seen Dell’s campus? It’s a bunch of Quonset huts and tar-paper shacks. Dell’s the only employer in America whose workers ask to be transferred back to Mexico so they can improve their standard of living. Seriously, Greenpeace, you gotta be kidding.
Now I’m hearing that the Greenpeace tree-Nazis are planning to show up and picket outside our campus again, like they did last year. All right, a-holes, I get the message. I know the drill. You want another check, and it better be bigger than the one Dell wrote. But you know what? I’m sick of this bullshit. I’m Steve Jobs, dipshits. I invented the friggin iPod. Have you heard of it? Apple Computer is the coolest, most progressive, liberal, hippie-dippie company in the world. We’ve got friggin John Lennon and Gandhi in our ads. Now you dickwads at Greenpeace are gonna lump us in with Lenovo and Acer? You know what? Screw you, Greenpeace. I’m gonna go out this weekend and club some baby seals.