Thursday, August 31, 2006

Love this site

Check this out. Guy was working for Dell and became a Mac zealot after Big Mike told a group of his employees that Apple makes the coolest computers on the planet. Now this mystery man has dedicated his life to helping people become superior human beings who can lord their superiority over everyone they meet — in other words, he shows you how to convert from PCs to Macs. We love you, Going Mac Man. Free iPod is in the mail.

A game we all can play

For some reason El Jobso is getting all sorts of Nigerian bank scam emails lately. No doubt a lame prank engineered by Gates & Co., but whatever. Here’s my idea. One of these douchebags is in the UK. If any of you dudes are in the UK, contact this frigtard and set up a meeting. If you can get him to show up someplace, take his photo and send it to me, and I’ll post it here. Best if he looks shocked, scared, freaked out, etc. No limit on number of people who can play. The more the better in fact. Simple as that. Let the games begin.

Contact name is Owen Green.
Phone:+44 702 407 2709

Here’s the full email I received:

P O BOX 1010
(Customer Services)

Ref: UK/9420X4/67


We are happily announce to you the draw (1032) of the UK NATIONAL LOTTERY, online Sweepstakes International program held on 8th August 2006. It is yet to be unclaimed and you are getting the final NOTIFICATION as regards this.Your e-mail address attached to ticket number: 56475612545 187, Serial Number: 5368/03 drew the lucky numbers: 21,32,41,42,43,46 [Bonus # .17],

which subsequently won you the lottery in the 2nd category i.e match 6 plus bonus.

You have therefore been approved to claim a total sum of £691,252 .00( Six Hundred And Ninety One Thousand, Two Hundred And Fifty Two Great Britain Pounds) in cash credited to fileKTU/9023118308/07. You can ask for our ONLINE RESULT SITE to comfirm the value of your winnings.

This is from a total cash prize of £2,893,361{Two million,Eight hundred and nintythree thousand ,Three hundred and Sixtyone Great Britain Pounds Sterling} was approved for the four( 4)lucky winners in this category i.e Match 6 .All participants for the online version were selected randomly from World Wide Web sites through computer draw system and extracted from over 100,000 unions, associations, and corporate bodies that are listed online. This promotion takes place weekly.

Participants were selected through a computer ballot system drawn from a pool of over 25,000 names of distinguished professionals drawn from Europe, America, Asia, Australia, New Zealand, Middle-East, parts of Africa, and North & South America as part of our international promotions programme conducted annually to encourage prospective overseas entries.

The internet emailing diea was used, since most people do are not able to purchase tickets and play outside the UK. We hope with part of your prize awards, you will take part in our subsequent lottery jackpots.

For security reasons, you are advised to keep your winning information confidential till your claim is processed and your money remitted to you in whatever manner you deem fit to claim your prize.
This is part of our precautionary measure to avoid double claiming and unwarranted abuse of this program.

To file for your claim, please contact our Fudiciary Agent:
Mr. Owen Green
Phone number: +44 702 407 2709
Official Email:
Foreign Services Manager,
Payment and Release order Department,
1. FULL NAMES:_______________________________________________________
3. AGE________________________________________
4. SEX:_________________________
5. MARITAL STATUS:_____________________________________
6.CONTACT ADDRESS:_____________________________________________
7.TELEPHONE NUMBER:___________________
9.BRIEF DESCRIPTION OF COMPANY/INDIVIDUAL:_______________________________________
10.WINNING E-MAIL ADDRESS:________________________________
11.WINNING NUMBER:_________________________________________
12TOTAL AMOUNT WON:_________________________________________

Endeavour to email him your full names,winning numbers,email/billing address,telephone and fax numbers immediately.

IMPORTANT NOTE: Please send your reply via email:
Congratulations from me and members of staff of THE UK NATIONAL LOTTERY.

Yours faithfully,

Mrs. Mercy Moore

Online coordinator for THE NATIONAL LOTTERY Sweepstakes International Program.

Copyright © 1994-2006 The UK National Lottery Inc.
All rights reserved. Terms of Service – Guideline

77635 476378 255667460

Wednesday, August 30, 2006

The trolls in Redmond have a sense of humor. Who knew?

One of our spies delivered this from inside the walls at Microsoft. Click to enlarge.

Howard Stern on Line 1. Holy crap.

So Steve Dowling, our PR guy, comes in to see me in a panic. He says he’s got Howard Stern and Daniel Carver from the Ku Klux Klan on the phone and they’re insisting on talking to me, and Dowling says, Steve, I’m sorry, but I think you should take this call. So we put them on the speaker phone and Howard says they want me and Eric Schmidt to go on the Stern show and accept some kind of “Whitey” award from the Klan for having the least number of black people involved in running our companies. They say they went to Google’s management page and figured out that out of 32 top managers and 11 board members, there’s only one black dude. Then they went to the Apple management page and found that out of 9 top managers and 8 board members we have zero black people.

“Thang is,” Carver says, “we wanna thank y’all for showin the world that the two greatest high-tech companies in the world don’t need to cave in to this political correctness. It’s jest a fact that the best companies, like Apple and Google, are still run by good old white people. Y’all are a shining example for other companies around the world. Now we ain’t too pleased about all y’all advertisements showing black people dancing but we understand y’all gotta keep up the image or whatever, so we gonna let it slide.”

Meanwhile Howard and his producer are laughing their asses off, talking about how they’re gonna make a stage like the Oscars and call their show the Whiteys and who can they get for presenters, maybe Bill Maher can host, and everyone can wear white tuxedoes and they can get Justin Timberlake and K-Fed to do some white rapping, they’ll give Bill O’Reilly a “Top News Racist” award and Pink can get an award for Best White Impersonation of a Black, and Bryant Gumbel for Best Black Impersonation of a White (but Howard goes, I dunno, is Bryant actually black, we better check) and they’ll give Brigitte Nielsen a “Hall of Shame” award for her fling with Flavor Flav, they’ve got a call in to Dreamworks, ha ha ha.

Dowling is standing there with this look of horror on his face — apparently this is about as bad as it gets if you’re a PR flack. Oddly enough he has the same look as the Sony dude who was gonna commit seppuku in my office the other day.

I’m not sure where to go with this so I tell Howard that while we don’t in fact have any black people we do have a guy named Sina Tamaddon who’s from somewhere foreign or something. I think. Howard goes, Nope. Doesn’t count. Dowling starts ripping through the Google page on his laptop and he points out that Google seems to have a few Indians but Howard just laughs and says, Nope, nope, nope. You guys are winning a Whitey, and you can either come accept it or not, I don’t care, we’ll get look-alikes or impersonators to play you anyway.

He says they’ve also got awards for Cracker Barrel and Clear Channel and a special lifetime achievement award for Sumner Redstone and CBS because they have the balls to put this big thing about “Diversity” on their website but when you click through to their management page it looks like this. Howard goes, Man, now that’s what I call diversity, right? They’ve got every shade of white there is. Man oh man. So Steve, just imagine it, you and Eric Schmidt, the two most progressive leftie liberal tech guys in the world, striding up to get your award and tell the world, Don’t be evil — be white! Wow!

Dowling just loses it and does, Okay this call is over, and he hangs up. We both just stand there. I go, Steve, I’m not a racist. Honest. I’m just not comfortable around them. You know what I mean? Like, do they hate me because I’m white? I never know what to say or whatever. I mean, where I grew up there just weren’t a lot of black people, you know? So I didn’t really know any black people when I was a kid or whatever, and um, it’s really hard to find black engineers. We’ve tried, really. We work really hard on this.

Dowling just shuffles out with this empty look in his eyes, like a guy who’s going to be executed at midnight.

Tuesday, August 29, 2006

Um, about that "Squirrel Boy" thing

I was kidding. Really. This was a joke. Ditto for this. And, uh, this. Not to mention this.
Well. Ahem. Yes. Not sure what to say, really.


Blow it out your ass, Greenpeace

Honestly, I am so friggin sick of trying to play nice with the freaks at Greenpeace. God knows how much money I’ve dished to these extortionists over the years. They’re worse than Jesse Jackson. Now they’ve put out this report saying we don’t do enough for the environment. Better yet, they’re saying Dell is the greenest tech company. Dell? Have you ever seen Dell’s campus? It’s a bunch of Quonset huts and tar-paper shacks. Dell’s the only employer in America whose workers ask to be transferred back to Mexico so they can improve their standard of living. Seriously, Greenpeace, you gotta be kidding.

Now I’m hearing that the Greenpeace tree-Nazis are planning to show up and picket outside our campus again, like they did last year. All right, a-holes, I get the message. I know the drill. You want another check, and it better be bigger than the one Dell wrote. But you know what? I’m sick of this bullshit. I’m Steve Jobs, dipshits. I invented the friggin iPod. Have you heard of it? Apple Computer is the coolest, most progressive, liberal, hippie-dippie company in the world. We’ve got friggin John Lennon and Gandhi in our ads. Now you dickwads at Greenpeace are gonna lump us in with Lenovo and Acer? You know what? Screw you, Greenpeace. I’m gonna go out this weekend and club some baby seals.

Monday, August 28, 2006

This Valleywag website is a laff riot

My God you have to see this side-splitting Valleywag spoof about what it would be like if, like, Sergey Brin was like talking on a solar-powered mobile phone in — wait for it — in England! Ha! Because it’s not very sunny there! Geddit? So the phone would go out a lot! Ha! And they’ve got a picture of some guy naked on the first page today too! Naked! A guy! And he’s in Alaska. Where it’s cold!

Meanwhile, Gawker today has this even funnier article about Matthew Broderick breaking his collarbone in a riding accident. I mean, my God! Wow! Funny stuff, right? If only he’d pulled a full Christopher Reeve and become a quadraplegic, oh my God, then it would be just be the funniest thing ever, right? But here’s the thing. Sure, Matthew Broderick breaking his collarbone in a riding accident is hilarious by itself. But it’s even more hilarious because his wife looks like a horse! Geddit? She’s horsey! And her husband almost died falling off a horse! Wow! Gawker is so hip that they call her SJP instead of Sarah Jessica Parker because everyone who’s hip (like me, or should I say moi) knows who Matthew Broderick is married to, so you don’t have to say her name, just her initials. Oh my God! What did we do for fun before Gawker was invented? Wow. Classy. Hats off to you, guys.

YouTube: Finally a reason for the elderly to use the Internet

WTF with this trend of old geezers putting clips of themselves on YouTube? I have to tell you, I was totally not down with this. In fact I was actually thinking about signing that new EFF petition to put an age limit on Internet usage. But then I saw this video where two members of a Linux users group in France are fighting over the GPLv3 drafting process. Hilarious!

The Sony visit

So it’s Howard Stringer and about 15 Japanese dudes all wearing identical black suits, looking super solemn and contrite, not saying a word and just staring down at their identical black Japanese business shoes. We go up to the conference room and Howard says he is here with his top management team to apologize profusely for the flaming batteries. Then he looks at his guys, and nods, and two of them stand up and leave the room. Howard goes on for a while more about how Sony will make this right and accept the blame, will pay all the costs, does not want to lose us as a customer, and so on. Suddenly the guys who left come back dressed in kimonos. They stand there, rigid as boards, staring straight ahead. Stringer goes, The man on the right is Yamamoto-san. He runs the division that designed the faulty batteries. He is going to commit seppuku. The other man is his second. He will assist him.

Stringer nods, and I swear this is true, the guy on the right pulls out a knife. Larry’s eyes just bug out of his friggin head. He’s practically got drool coming out of the corners of his mouth. I start to speak but Larry grabs my arm and says, Don’t interrupt, You must let him do it, or you’ll dishonor him. I’m like, Dishonor him? The guy’s about to cut his stomach open in my friggin conference room!

Larry says, Steve, trust me, just go with this. I had a guy from NEC do this once in my office. It’s incredible. After he cuts out his intestines, his second will slice his head off. Then the others will carry him out on their shoulders. Oh God! I love the Japanese.

But I said, Look, Howard, I’m sorry, but I can’t let your guy do this. Howard says, Well, if you dishonor him like this, he’ll have to do it back at the hotel or something, and the shame will hang over his entire family. And I’m like, Whatever, Howard, we can’t just have guys killing themselves in our conference rooms, it’s bad for the vibe, I’m sorry. Please. Everyone. Just go.

So they all file out and Larry says, You know what, buddy? Sometimes you really disappoint me. And he stomps out after them, asking Stringer whether they really are going to do this back at the hotel, and if so where are they staying, and can he attend?

So, that’s how I spent my day. Same old same old. How about you?

Larry just shows up without calling

And he bursts into my office and says, Buddy, I know what you need, we’re gonna do something radical, like in that movie where Stella gets her groove back. I’m like, Larry, if you’re saying I need to fly to Jamaica and get boned by a black dude who’s half my age, forget it. Been there, done that, and it doesn’t work. Remember the cube iMac? Larry goes, Huh? I tell him just forget it, I’m not doing it. Larry goes, Um, Steve, well, I, uh — wait. What did you just say? I’m like, Look, I’m not going there again, so forget it. He goes, Um, yeah. Okay. Well, look, I, um, that’s not what I meant. I was talking about you getting some punani, my brother. Some strange.

He goes, Because we’ve got this girl working in sales, I hired her myself, met her in a bar in L.A. and hired her on the spot, I think she’s like seventeen years old or something, dropped out of high school to work at Hooters. No lie. So I put her in sales. She’s been working for us for eight months and I’m pretty sure she still doesn’t even know what we make. I love it!

So I’ve been grooming her for myself, but you know what, I’m gonna give her to you instead. Seriously. I want you to have her. She’s perfect. Wears those low-rider pants with the thong sticking out. She’s dumb as a bag of hammers, with giant gozungas and an ass you can bounce quarters off of. I’ve actually done that. The quarter thing. I’ve been saving her up. Put her on a special diet and exercise routine, with daily yoga lessons so she can put her legs behind her head and a full Brazilian wax at all times — you know, the usual routine. I’ve got her down to about 8% body fat and I’ve just been keeping her in a holding pattern, letting her wait. You know like when you have this perfect bottle of wine but you want to save it for a special occasion? I was planning to bring her over after my next eye-lift. Feel like a kid again, all that. But anyway, I want you to have her. No, seriously. I want you to. I’ve had her totally checked out, full physical. No STDs, not even genital warts. Fresh as a daisy.

I was about to explain that I wasn’t interested when the phone rang and my assistant tells me there’s a delegation of Sony guys in the lobby. And Larry goes, You are shitting me! Oh, bud, you have to let me stay for this.