“Fantastic effects, but come on, my dude, this isn’t going to get shown in Iran with a bunch of naked blue women running around in a jungle. Beyond that, the story is so trite I couldn’t believe it. And this dialogue — don’t even get me started, my man. What the fuck with the script? Who wrote this shit? And, like, unobtainium? Hello? You couldn’t think of something better than that?”

Actually, it’s something about uranium.

That’s what got reported in New York mag — that I was wearing “a very funny hat — a big top hat kind of thing.” Then it got re-reported all over the place, like on the fanboy sites. Just so you know, this was one of our “marked fiver” tricks where make up a bunch of different stupid bits of info and we feed each one to a different person and then wait to see if any of them show up in the press, so we know who’s leaking. Safe to say that we got our man on this one. The other bits of fake info, in case you’re wondering, were that (a) I was walking with a cane; (b) I had a second-generation iPad with me and showed it to people at the Pranna dinner; and (c) I wore a white button-down shirt instead of my usual mock turtleneck. To those of you who received those items of information and did not repeat them, namaste and much love. You remain in good standing with Dear Leader.

That’s the current verdict of our poll (right). Please vote early and vote often. Scoble needs a gig.

1.
Chief resignation,
not at all unexpected,
wuz LOL tweet.

2.
Next: run for office?
Bask in golden parachute?
Or drive zamboni

3.
CEO blogging
When he should have been logging
More profits in books.

4.
My Little Pony
Sat on his mo-ney,
Leading his corp astray;
Along came The Larry
Who’s a little bit scary
And drove My Little Pony away.

rewritten as:

5.
My Little Pony
Sat on his mo-ney,
Leading his corp astray;
Along came The Larry
Who was dressed like a fairy
And said, “Get the fuck away.”

Yes, AT&T is our valuable partner, and we have great confidence in them, blah blah blah. Nevertheless, we are all secretly loving these new ads from Verizon:

So the news is out that I’ve been in New York spending time getting closer than I’d like to be with people in the newspaper business, including the New York Times and Wall Street Journal. Of course the status-obsessed New Yorkers are commenting on the fact that I ordered off the menu, as if this is some big deal when in fact it happens all the time and really it was just that I just wanted a mango lassi, and the chef, who is a totally Buddhist kind of guy (though not actually Buddhist, if you know what I mean), was happy to oblige.

But New York. In February. How the fuck do people do it? It’s cold. It’s wet. It’s loud. The streets smell like dead people. Why live here? I was sitting at dinner with the guy who runs the New York Times and I was like, You should just move your operation to the West Coast. I mean why not? Who says you have to be the New York Times? Why not just be the Times, and become a global brand? Look at what the Guardian in England is doing. They understood from the start that the power of the Internet for media was that you could take a local brand and transform it into a worldwide brand, without incurring much cost. So now they’re basically a global left-wing publication. No reason you can’t do the same. But you gotta drop this objectivity thing and just let your writers say what they really think. This whole objectivity thing is ridiculous. Everyone knows it’s bullshit, and the more you stick to it and try to pretend it’s true, the more stupid and dishonest you look. Let me give you an example. I’ll say a name, and you say the first thing that pops into your head. Okay?

He says that’s okay, so I go: Sarah Palin.

Idiot, he says.

I’m like, Right on, so why don’t you just say that? Every time you write her name, put “idiot” after it? Like it’s a title? Like “Sarah Palin, Idiot.” Or, put it in front of her name, like, “Idiot Sarah Palin said today …” Or just use it as a subordinate clause. “Sarah Palin, who is an idiot, today called for …”

He goes, Look, I’m impressed that you know what a subordinate clause is, but we can’t do something like that. Because think where it leads us. Every time we write about you we have to say, “Steve Jobs, who is a total insufferable dick.” You see?

I tell him I wouldn’t mind one bit if people wrote that about me, and he says he realizes that, which is why he knows that I truly am a total insufferable dick. The point, I tell him, is that the Times needs to just be open about its liberal bias, and revel in that. It’s what makes the Times the Times. You need a point of view. Without it you’re just the AP on sheets of paper.

He’s like, Huh, yeah, how’s that mango lassi? And what do you think about the paywall idea? I mean how can we charge people to subscribe to the New York Times — I mean, sorry, The Times — on the iPad if we’re giving it away free on the Web site? People will just use the browser and read the Times there, for free. So I said, Alan, look — and he goes, My name is Arthur. So I go, Okay, but look, Adam, let me ask you something. When someone buys a song on iTunes, what are they paying for? Are they paying for the song? No. They’re paying for convenience. They’re paying for the fact that it’s easy, and reliable, and for the software on their computer that lets them manage their collection. You see what I’m saying? People said we would fail at selling music because you could already get music at no cost from a zillion different pirate sites. But those people were wrong. We’ve sold 600 billion songs in the last three months alone. Why is that? Because it’s easy. Because it works. They’re paying for convenience. Do you get it?

But he’s not even looking at me. He’s staring across the table at Bill Keller’s plate. He says, Say, Bill, how are those lobster sliders? Because they look incredible. Would you mind? You’re a sweetheart, Bill. I mean it.

Nevertheless, the folks at The Inquirer give it their best shot, with an incredibly lame piece that claims Macs are much less secure than PCs and that Apple is a “cappuccino company.”

Just in case that flame bait wasn’t enough to drive traffic from angry fanboys, the Inquirer describes the typical Mac user as “a smug, technologically illiterate person who believes they are invulnerable because they use a Mac.”

Not to be a dick about grammar, but I guess I would point out that a typical Inquirer hack must be a smug fuckbag who doesn’t know the difference between singular and plural, or maybe they don’t realize you should keep that consistent when he writes a sentence, otherwise you might look like he doesn’t know what the fuck they’re doing.

That aside, it’s true we appeal to people who aren’t super tech savvy. We’re proud of that. It means we’re succeeding in our ultimate goal, which is to make technology invisible. You shouldn’t need to know anything to use our products. You should just pick them up and use them. I know that this offends some people, and I don’t care, because I’m right and they’re wrong.

As Flaubert (or maybe Dave Winer, I can never remember) once said, “The author in his work should be like God in the universe, present everywhere but visible nowhere.” Substitute technology for author and you get the idea. The best technology is the kind that’s so good you don’t see it.

That’s also one reason (among many) that Windows sucks. It’s always there, getting in your way, pretending to be helpful but really just pissing you off, like that waiter who keeps stopping by your table asking you if you need anything else, and is everything okay, and how do you like your dinner. When it’s not doing that, WIndows just keeps making you do things in ways that aren’t intuitive, that aren’t natural. It keeps jarring you, getting in between you and whatever it is you’re trying to do. There’s too much there there, if you know what I mean.

As for us, we’re not perfectly invisible — I’ll admit that. But we’re getting better all the time.

But yeah, you go, little hack for the Inquirer. I’m sure you’re a real tech expert, and it just grates on you to see people using Macs and to know that those people aren’t nearly as smart or as tech savvy as you. Why, you’re probably the best programmer in all the world, way smarter than all the engineers who work at Apple, but you’re working for the Inquirer because you don’t waste your precious code on losers who don’t know about tech.

Bah. Poser.

In honor of Jonathan Schwartz, and in the spirit of peaceful haiku poetry by which he has informed the people of earth of his resignation, we are doing what any loving, supportive fan base does at a time like this — we’re having a poetry contest.

Can be in any form you want. Haiku, clerihew, limerick, sonnet, free verse. Only rule is the subject of the poem must be MLP or Sun.

You can use the comment section here, or send via email. Iulia and Natasha will select a few finalists, and I’ll pick the one I like best.

Winner gets a free fake iPad.

You may pick up your pencils. And … begin.

As longtime readers know, we’ve had a lot of fun with My Little Pony over the years, including the posting of the video above, which was created by one of our readers and is just plain fucking wrong.

Truth is, we’re going to miss MLP. He’s been one of the blog’s best recurring characters, right up there with Bike Helmet Girl, Uncle Fester, Beastmaster Bill and Goatberg. What a lot of people don’t know is that Jonathan’s blog was kind of the inspiration for this blog. That’s true. I was so inspired by what he was doing that I decided another CEO should do a blog, too.

In honor of Jonathan, I’ve asked Iulia and Natasha, our interns in Krasnodar, to dig up some of our past items on the Pony Boy. They’ve come up with some great ones, including one where we wonder how long Jonathan can keep blaming the economy when everybody else around him, like IBM, HP, Oracle, Microsoft, Apple, Google, etc., are doing okay:

That crazy old economy can be so selective sometimes.

Then some others:

It’s official: My Little Pony has lost his mind.

Schwartz lectures Tony Blair on blogging.

My Little Pony calls, stomping his hooves.

Not so fast, My Little Pony.

Watch out, HP and IBM — Sun is about to unleash a new slogan.

And finally, the one that may be best of all:

It’s official: Java now worth zero.

The last link contains this prescient gem:

“I’m sorry but I gotta say this. For those of us in the Valley who once admired Sun, it is just terribly sad to see this once-great company lurching around in a death spiral with this mad phony hippie at the controls. Say what you will about Scooter — and God knows I’ve said a lot — but at least he would have gone down fighting. Heck, even Palmisano at IBM has had the good sense to sell off the pieces of his company rather than just give them away.”